Cindy & the Wards

Holy Tension

2009-05-09T19:47:00.003-04:00

I think the hardest thing about being a mom is the fear.

Sitting at the neurologists office or the preschool teachers office - there's fear to battle. A call from the principal or the orthodontist - there's fear to battle. A spend the night party there, a birthday party here - a new boyfriend, a new bike, final exams or final warnings - fear stalks mothers. It's fear of the known and fear of the unknown....it's just ugly fear.

It's so difficult and somewhat unfair in my opinion that God lets us partner with Him in creating life yet we are not able to control it. We can carry these children in our wombs for 9 months, birth them, nurse them and care for them or pursue the dream of motherhood through the trials of adopting a child with the best of intentions. But eventually we realize we've unknowingly given birth to a monster within ourselves - the NEED to control because the fear attached with this love is so great.

We are desperate to protect our kids from pain, from harsh words, or unfair kids, or mistakes that cost, or a bad reputation, or....the list is endless. Our vantage point from a generation ahead gives us the perfect view of all the possible pitfalls - and our kids have to avoid them.

We create a Godly, peaceful home, we create an education plan, we create a moral standard for our kids, we create healthy meals and a soft cuddly bed - and yet we cannot control.

I call this "holy tension".

I'm experiencing it in another area of my life right now also. My mom does indeed have cancer - I'm still processing all of that and she's still waiting on a treatment plan. It's become the source of alot of thinking and pondering.

As a believer in Christ I find myself in the middle of a 3 man duel. There's faith, fear and the facts all jockeying for position in my heart, mind and soul.

If I wanted to I know I could collect a massive volume of books and find a church to support a great "faith" position for this new season. I could dig out all the verses on Jesus healing and performing miracles and stand in faith believing (commanding) God to heal her. I could stand on my plan for mom's life with my hands held high. And that's the way it would be .... at least in my heart.

Or I could run to google and collect enough "facts" to bury myself. I could add the science and research to a good plan and find rest for my weary mind. Just add all the answers to all the questions amd put them together with a lofty opinion on the matter. And that's the way it would be....at least in my mind.

Without much effort at all I could let myself fall off into fear. I could probably find a "Lifetime" movie where a mom dies of cancer right after she's diagnosed and cry and wallow and fret until I die. Fear is ever present, cancer's pretty easy to find - so this one would be an easy place to settle. And that's the way it would be ... at least in my soul.

What I'm really fighting though is the need to box this thing up and control it. To box everything up in my life and call it "known". This is the kind of box I want for my kids. If I cling to the whole "faith" thing - I at least have a box to stand on. If I go with fear or the facts - again I've got something to do. I'm not floating out here aimlessly in the unknown. The unknown is what I really want to avoid after all.

But I believe that the real destination for every area of my life is this oasis of "holy tension".

This place is full of "I don't know" and "could be" and "maybe not" or "just wait". This place is where it all intersects and swims around you. This is where the only place you have to look is up. This place requires real childlike faith and is full of weaknesses that need to be strengthened. This is the place where it's all integrated and your heart, mind and soul are challenged to submit to the steadiness of the unknown balanced with intentional belief in God.

This boat of mine called "Holy Tension" floats in the sea of God's sovereignty and requires that I go where He leads. A slow and steady process where sometimes He does and sometimes He doesnt, sometimes He takes and sometimes He gives, sometimes He moves and other times He's still - but always He is.

That's the sweet spot - "He Is". That's where it all happens. When we let our entire being partake of that there is peace. He is....He is there, He is here, He is enough, He is my children's ultimate parent, He knows more, sees more, loves more, plans better ....

This mothers day I pray that all of my mom friends could breathe in the salt air of the "Sea of God's Sovereignty", take their place in their own boat called "Holy Tension" and rest.

The Results Business.....

2009-04-15T09:16:00.002-04:00

Well, here we go. We've added the word "cancer" to our family venacular. Doesn't really change a whole lot - yet everything seems different.

Is that reality or fear of the unknown? I don't know yet.

Humankind cannot stand very much reality. - T. S. Eliot says. That I believe is true.
Without Jesus, I don't know how we stand any at all.

But here we are. And yet again I'm so thankful for the foundation that God painfully wrought in me long before this tsunami hit.

I don't know when this realization hit me - but I THANK GOD it did. By the grace of God I've determined that I am not in the results business - that's God's department. My job is to plant seeds, be a good steward, fight the good fight, pray, obey and walk one step in front of the other...and let God do what only God can.

I personally believe that women especially live in fear and control because they're focused on the results - crafting an outcome that works for them, or looks good, or makes them look better. But that's about pride and fear and the flesh and ... dead ends.

I used to get so caught up in praying for a result - and then owning the result. I don't do that much anymore. I'm praying for mom's healing and knowing that heaven is coming eventually - sooner or later healing is too. But how/when/where/ why God does what He does with mom is His business. I'm asking Him to help me be a good steward of my relationship with mom, to give me opportunities to love and serve her, to help me pray more effectively even...but beyond that God is in Control.

I think focusing on our desired results can cause us to be conditional believers - "if God....then I'll..." and so it goes and we sit and spin and tell everyone we're standing in faith. Hmmmm.....

My faith is not in me getting what I want - a miraculous healing for mom's newly diagnosed cancer right this minute. I've tried to manipulate God before ... it's really pointless.

My faith is in the God who created the universe doing exactly what's best for my mom; and only allowing in mom's life that which He deems worthy of His plans for her life. I have faith in God to get me thru this strange new process of fear, and fighting and faith and the ugly truth of our own mortality and getting older and watching your parents get older and all of this yuk on this broken, decrepit planet.

I will fix my eyes on things above - pray like my hair is on fire and by the power of God alone walk thru this as a believer - learning to believe a little more every day.

I have a favorite bible verse in Psalms or Proverbs somewhere that talks about being as content and peaceful as a weaned baby against its mothers breast. Having LOVED nursing my boys for a year each – that verse really speaks to me.

I remember once they were each weaned how amazing it was to me that they could be held in the same position as they used to nurse voraciously and now sleep peacefully. The transition was so seamless and effortless – perhaps I thought they had learned to trust me too – who knows.

But I find myself in that space today – I have seen the hand of God walk me/us through amazing and difficult things and I’m not concerned He won’t do the same in this situation as well. He has quieted me in His arms and I’m at peace.

I know He’s already there – where ever “there” is and that’s enough for me.

Here's the deal - I've come back to writing - to stir myself up - to remind myself, to say "out loud" what my head needs to submit to...this is the bunker from which I'll fight for mom - for the salvation of my family, for peace for my dad and for strength for me.....

Thanks for praying...

Knowing in your Knower.....

2009-04-14T17:11:00.004-04:00

I'm spending today with every scripture I remember - as I wait on phone calls and updates on biopsy results, and treatment plans and travel arrangements and all that goes on when a loved one becomes ill - I'm scrambling for scriptures. Thank God for the ones He has etched on my heart ....

I need to focus my heart and my mind and remind myself what I "know in my knower".

Interestingly I've spoken at several events lately - and though I can't remember the topics I spoke on at the moment - I remember saying quite often - "know the WORD, so you'll know in your knower when crisis comes".

Yet again, I'm amazed at how God goes before and prepares us as we loiter unaware down here on earth. He is kind and gentle that way - always loving and full of tender mercy and care.

here's what I know - "The Lord will accomplish what concerns my mom - GREAT is His faithfulness, He has a plan for her life - plans to prosper her and give her a future - she has been healed by His stripes and greater is He that is in her than He that's in the world - He will be kind and caring and forever faithful no matter the road this turns out to be. It is not a detour but forever written in the annals of heavenly history because HE is not surprised, He has already been here, He approved this path and He will carry her through it.

For the rest of us - no matter what is coming or the power of whatever words are to be added or subtracted to our family dialog - there is nothing greater than the truth of God. He is faithful and no matter what - I will trust Him for the end and for the process and for this arduous wait.

The best is yet to come - for this I "know in my knower".

Sesame Street is turning 40....

2009-01-03T20:53:00.003-05:00

Well we made it - through a crazy fall and busy holiday season and here we are screaming into 2009.

Christmas was exciting - my folks made their way up with short notice to save the day since Jeff was tasked to take a DV(distinguished visitor) to the dessert to see the troops. It was a short trip - but it covered the week of Christmas. We are so thankful for the technology of today - dad sat in Kuwait City and webcammed the whole morning with us. It wasn't the same as having him here - but wow what a cool alternative. The kids would open their presents and then run to the computer to show daddy - I'm going to try and post some pix.

I'm excited about 2009 - I'm sure you've heard by now that someone's turning 40 this month. Yep, it's true Sesame Street hit's the big "4-0" within days... let the parties begin! I've always loved Snuffleupagus myself - and he doesn't look a day over 25 if you ask me....It's hard to imagine Big Bird and the gang at 40. But indeed it's true.

Oh and yes I'm turning 40 soon too....and I couldn't be happier.

Jeff's got me plane tickets to Charleston to leave this Wednesday so I can enjoy a Seacoast Big Wednesday - and then he's letting me stay for the weekend. He's even gotten me a rental car with strict instructions to take my journal to the beach and have a blast!!! (That's certainly not his type of fun - but it's really high on my list).

I've decided for my birthday that I'm going to celebrate scars....scars from pain and trials and challenges of the last 20 years - and the immense gift they've become to me. I'm so excited about this monument of God's sustaining faithfulness. It's almost hard for me to believe - and I haven't missed a minute of this adventure.

You see if you knew the WHOLE story you'd be amazed that I'm alive, that I'm still in love with Jesus, that I still participate in the local church, that I have a solid, exciting marriage and 3 kids....it would blow your mind to put the pieces of my life together and come up with this picture. How significant He makes the insignificance of me...who does stuff like that?

If it weren't for Jesus.....

But oh this refuge of peace I find myself in now - the scattered confidence and excitement I see the future with, and the joy of celebrating survival and the miracle of me. Just the sheer audacity of it all is beyond words. Beyond the "why would He bother with me" business is the "wow He bothered with me business" and that's big.

If it weren't for Jesus....

It's going to be a good week - I can't wait to spend some quiet time with the One who has romanced me right through it all - He continues to pursue me even today with this intense longing to be with Him. He continues to amaze me with refreshment and redemption being poured into my marriage. He still moves me with grace and mercy in my role as mommy to do, say and be things I would never imagine possible. He's still bothering with me - that in itself is worthy of a celebration.

If it weren't for Jesus....

For my birthday I'm going to be asking God for some specifics. He and I do that - having a birthday so close to New Years is kind of invigorating that way. I want more of Him, I want a burning desire to pray more and talk less, I want to be more like Him and be "busied" for Him less, I want a continued unquenchable thirst for His word, I want His Holy Spirit to move in power and peace, I want to know in my knower that "I AM" is already there - and it is well.

You have not because you ask not - so I'm asking.

Happy Birthday me....and you too Snuffleupagus.

Happy New Year Friends....

Excited.....

2008-10-21T21:48:00.002-04:00

We're all getting pretty excited - only 3 sleeps and a wake up and daddy's home. He has his checkride tomorrow and then starts packing up. He'll actually fly the jet for the first time next Wednesday - yes, they are actually training him to fly the Vice President and First Lady in a simulator for 7 weeks. That doesn't seem like quite enough - but of course I still can't believe actual humans get those big machines off the ground anyway. I'm looking forward to him getting the "real" experience next week.

I'm REALLY excited about a good Dr's report on Michael and a team being put together to help us out with his muscle issues. The neurologist last week was perfect - she really took time and engaged Michael which helped her see thru all of his compensations to the potential of some potential problems. Fortunately she ruled out Cerebral Palsy and some other big stuff, we're waiting on blood work results and the MRI. But her initial assessment was that it may just be the way Michael is made - that I can live with. Michael being in pain I'd like to avoid.

I'm excited about Abby's high school team. I love football, I even like watching the cheerleaders - but when the teams 7 -0 - I really LIKE football. Congrats to Abby's team for making Districts in their cheerleading competition also.

I'm excited about another day of homeschooling tomorrow. Never in a million years did I think I would enjoy it this much. Tomorrow we do swim team, then some school work, then we're going to the McCain/Palin headquarters to check things out and help a bit. THIS is awesome. I love watching Michael unwrap things in front of me - pretty stoked his favorite subject is history too - since mom likes it so much also.

I'm excited about our family taking a White House Tour next week with a friend of Jeffs. The kids are over the moon - Michael is drawing, reading, watching specials...devouring all things White House.

I'm excited about our new Bible Study group this year. What a great group of ladies - it's week 6 and folks are opening up and I hope we're on the road to growing in dependence on the one and only true and righteous "parent' - God. I really enjoyed our class this week - and love these women already.

I'm excited about Matti's next couple of weeks - he's been practicing his songs for the Thanksgiving program and I love it! He's such a joy. Pumpkin patch on Friday ....whooo hooo

I'm excited about web cams - and how Jeff and Abby do homework over them everynight and then we have family prayers and can actually see daddy.

Mostly I'm excited to have come thru this last 7-8 weeks with God as my "husband" - taking such great care of me. I have felt His hand and strength and His endurance thru the 3 cases of walking pneumonia, calendar pages with no white space left, and scary doctors appts and so on and so forth. "I" have been able to do way more than I ever would have imagined I could...surely in my weakness He has shown up BIG.

So thank you God:
for no major emergencies,
no flat tires,
no major storms
no major crises with the kids
no ....

We've done it! Thru Christ alone....yet again.

Pix for the September 1sts...2008

2008-09-16T21:08:00.011-04:00

Michael's first day at the "Ward Academy"...first grade here we come!

Michael's first day of Swim Team... "I didn't know it was going to be dark when we left every morning mom!"

Matti's first day of Pre-K! We love Haymarket Baptist - he's loving Mrs. McNeil's popcorn room!!!!

Abby's first day at Battlefield High School - and first game to cheer with the Varsity Squad....Here we go!

September Firsts.....

2008-09-12T20:03:00.002-04:00

I've been waiting to post so I could include pix - but that's going to be awhile.

So let's catch up.
We have almost gotten thru all of our September "firsts":

first day of high school
first high school football game to cheer for
first day of homeschooling a first grader
first day of swim team
first day of Pre-K school
first week without daddy (only 7 weeks to go!)
first month with my iphone - a pretty good stand-in for Jeff - but I'll sure be glad when those silly phones can help with the carpooling
first facebook connections

Still to come:

first homecoming dance (we're all hoping daddy will miraculously be here to hold mommy up)
first home football game with Ward family in attendance trying not to embarass our cheerleader (next Friday)
first AWANA's of the new year
first spanish class for Michael
first 2 soccer games of the fall season for the boys
first Mad Science class - "mommy, I heard he tries to trick you into drinking lemonade..and it's really pee. Is that science mommy?"
first class for this years Mommy Bible Study group that I lead- looks like a good group...should be fun.

So there we are - it's been a wild week. The pictures are going to be good - I'll post them when Jeff sends me my cables back from Seattle.

I have to say I am running fast enough to feel a bit like I'm chasing my shadow - and was a bit worried I could keep up. It's been a long time since we've experienced a long deployment with daddy gone.

But God is strategic in His care and He had been in this week long ago. So way back in the summer before we knew the dates of Jeffs training and I was mapping out some memory verses for the Ward family I decided to start the school year with Philippians 4:13 - " I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength" - I've spent the week hearing 2 little guys and an occasional teenager say that to me over and over again - thank You Lord.

I'm also being blown away by "obedience" and what God's teaching me through it. Homeschooling Michael wasn't really in my 10 year plan - but as God started shifting vision and changing the focus it became obvious that I had to obey. I have to say the best part of my day is when we're in the school room - the blessings of obedience; the freedom; the ease of it all is amazing. It makes me want to re-examine lots of areas - especially the ones I struggle and strive in - perhaps there's an obedience issue. Doesn't Hebrews 3 or 4 talk about that - "the rest of obedience".

So there's lots more to say - this homeschooling thing is providing me with quite the education and this highschool thing is stretching my faith in ways I couldn't imagine. I'm also begging God for the grace to give thanks alot more - I met a lady this past week who's a recent widow homeschooling 5 kids thru grief and exhaustion and yard work. Surely there are heroes among us.

I am blessed.

The hills are alive.....

2008-07-18T01:18:00.006-04:00

Ok - that's Austria - but Heidelberg Germany was a hit!

I had read it's the most beautiful town in Germany - don't know about all of that. But I loved it.

The castle is amazing - and dates back to AD1214.

315 steps up to the top (they're numbered) gives a great view of the city and the river below.

The shops, the churches and the restaurants on the streets below were so charming.

And then of course, if you know my love for doors - you'll understand the other picture. I've gotten a few so far that I really like. Still looking for the favorite yet!

We're off to Switzerland!!!!

The story of the tooth

2008-07-12T07:47:00.002-04:00

So, the dentist says Matti's tooth must have been loose for about a year - because his permanent tooth is on it's way in. Since this is all happening about 2 years too early - there's no room for that new tooth. SO.... it's coming in sideways.

In lieu of all of that - we ran to get the boys pix taken before the crazy "tooth experiment" happens. The resolution isn't great - but you get the idea.
Enjoy.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Off we go....

2008-07-11T22:06:00.006-04:00

Road trip tomorrow.

I'm ready.

Part of Abby's 14th birthday present was a week long trip to her best friends house in Nashville. So we're heading south.

I'll leave in the morning with the 3 kids and hopefully be in Nashville Sunday, Monday the boys and I are off to Alabama where they'll enjoy "Camp Grandparents" for a while.

Then ... next Wednesday I fly to Germany to meet Jeff for a week in the Alps.

Jeff's been in India for a week and has to return their the first of August. Then he spends the month of September in Seattle preparing for his new gig.

We're in desperate need of some quiet time together.

I struggle with what to do with the few days we have together - it's been a pattern for our entire married life. If you have one weeken in 6 weeks - what do you do with it?

I guess everyone would handle it differently. For me when the guilt train roars thru with how we should be taking the family on a family vacation instead of just him and me and a bunch of mountains and chocolate - I come back to the hard choice of priorities.

I find "priorities" to be a hard discussion with moms - especially stay at home moms. Not necessarily the concept or ordering of priorities -but the willingness to walk it out. We become so focused on the kids that everything gets out of kilter.

The hard truth today is that this mom is running on empty; mom and dad are strangers they've been a part so much recently - and that's not really a great way to have a "family" holiday.

In lieu of that - mom gets a quiet 9 hour flight across the pond to decompress and a week with just Jeff - we're going to leisurely tour some of our favorite spots in Germany, Austrai and a few new ones in Switzerland and check the Ward foundation for cracks.

The kids will definetly win in this deal.

Talk to you when we return.

Boys Sports Show - 2008

2008-07-01T15:34:00.001-04:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

a Holiday to remember!!!

2008-06-30T21:03:00.001-04:00

What a great week we've just had. The Chalklettes and their parents were here for more fun than we've had in a long time. We LOVE you Chalks - and are counting the days till you come back - we actually want you to move in our basement....pretty please.

I stand at the door.....

2008-06-12T21:08:00.002-04:00

So tonite's devotion was from Revelation 3 where John explains that Jesus stands at the door and knocks.....

The boys were tired, so I read quickly and then read a book on "Faith".

Before we prayed, I asked Michael if Jesus was in his heart. He responded "no, I haven't heard him knock yet".

To which Matti replied, "Michael, Jesus is in my heart, he came thru my stomach and this is what it sounds like, do you hear this?". He then starting playing drums on his belly while I rolled in laughter!!!

-------

Yesterday Jeff was out playing baseball with the boys and something got him frustrated.

Michael offered a work of encouragement; "dad, you just have to have patience."

Jeff told him what a great idea that was and thanks for thinking of it - to which Michael replied, "no problem dad, an old friend told me that once".

Of course Jeff knew immediately that the "old friend" just happened to be me. :)

SLOW down.....

2008-06-12T20:48:00.006-04:00

So the birthday blitz is over -

This was our first year without a combined party for the boys and it was good (not necessarily cheaper), but good.

The big news is that Matti lost a tooth...this is incredibly upsetting to me. Those baby teeth are the last thing that makes them still look little - I hate it when they start going and Matti's way too young for this.

But they were wrestling and giggling and then all of a sudden Matti was asking if Daddy could e-mail the tooth fairy.

Hmmmm....I'm really wanting another baby - this is all happening way to fast.

Do you know the Matti man?

2008-06-08T21:24:00.003-04:00

Wow...he can't be 2 days from turning 4.

This is my tender tiger - full of passion and fight and a constant smile.

For my Charleston friends - I SO wish you could know him....he's a really cool kid.

He's also a Nascar fan....

so there you go.

Sleep with Jesus little man - Mommy loves her matti man.

Thank you God for the "above and beyond" of Matthew.....Ephesians 3:20.....

He did it....

2008-06-08T20:56:00.007-04:00

The big birthday is over ... and what an event.

He celebrated with all his pals at school with a skateboard cake on the last day of school. They were already celebrating with sprinklers and beach balls ...

He went to his favorite Mexican restaurant and ate chicken nuggets (he basically drinks the salsa - that's why we go - anybody remember my cravings for salsa???)

He opened presents with the fam ... including 2 Nationals T-shirts. One that "is a little too big, but don't worry mom, I can sleep in it".... this kid is just NICE to his bones.

that's when Jeff spoke up and said "no, buddy that's my shirt - do you have any idea why you and I might need these T-shirts?".

While holding up his new glove and baseball - he replies, "yes sir, so we can play baseball ... you know the Nationals are my favorite team".

Jeff responds, "well yes we could do that, but what else could we do with these 2 shirts?"

That's when Abby's squeal got him really thinking.

Then Jeff holds up two tickets for the front section on the 3rd base line and Michael's struck silent (that's how you know Michael's really excited!!!).

Then we went to to Kindergarten Graduation and mom cried her eyes out. His test scores were yet again thru the roof, his pals and teachers love him and dad beamed when Michael said he wanted to fly 737's when he grows up....then he spontaneously saluted his dad before he got off the stage! It was so cool!

The next day was Matti's final soccer game and party and then Jeff and Michael took off for laser tag, car shopping, the subway ride to the game and yet another moment of silence when he walked into that stadium "with millions of people mom!" Jeff said he was overwhelmed.

We finished the weekend with church and "Kung Fu Panda"....

Michael's 7 and mom and dad are wasted!!!

Only 2 more days till Matti's birthday ...here we go again!

Michael ichael motorcycle....

2008-06-05T07:43:00.003-04:00

This guy is SOOOOO much fun!

More mighty Michael....

2008-06-04T22:29:00.005-04:00

The birthday countdown continues...2 days to go. Michael is over the top ... mostly he's over the stairs of his bunk bed in the middle of the night because he's too excited to sleep ("mommy, can I sleep with you guys until my excitement goes away?")

Michael is a tender soul. I've decided to homeschool him for reasons I still can't put into words - but I'm hoping one of the end products is a protection of that tender heart.

Right now my mommy radar is detecting a conflict in my mighty warrior this week. He's so excited to finally get to celebrate his birthday at school, but keenly aware that this will be his last day at this precious school with these amazing kids and teachers whom he loves dearly.

Michael tends to be like his mom when it comes to people - he really digs in and listens and remembers. Folks really seem to connect themselves to his little heart. All you need to do is mention someone's name and he can tell you about them. I ask him about his day and instead he tells me about "his people".

Will and Alli? - "Their birthday is on the same day as Abby's - they're twins."

Landon? - "He's funny"

Juliana? - "Her mom thinks she's shy, but she loves to laugh, you just have to be funny."

Jaden? - "he's my Star Wars buddy, his mom sings too mom"

Carter? - "He has a peanut allergy - so mom no goldfish so I can sit at his table for lunch today"

Grace? - "She's been sick, but we've been praying for her. She came back to school, but I think she's still tired."

Mrs. Leake? - "Her daughter is in from college and they had an appointment, ....."

So in the midst of being super excited about his birthday, I think the last day of school is hitting him pretty hard. Again, I thank God for our school - I believe it's the greatest gift God has given us in Virginia. I'm going to keep Matti there as long as I can so they can write on his heart, like they did Mighty Michael .

I pray God always gives Michael lots of people to love - because he's really good at it. He's also good at telling lots of people what to do (that's from his dad), but he realldy does have a gift when it comes to people.

If you are someone who's loved Michael well - like you Scott K, or Cocky, or Mrs. Leake, or Mrs. McDonald, or Grandma and Granpa, and Mrs. Forero adn Auntie Jeanne and the Chalklettes, and a WHOLE host of others ...

Thank you -

I think you would like what those seeds are growing up to be.

the 2 old men in the car seats in the back of the van

2008-06-01T22:05:00.004-04:00

So there's this other stuff I love about Michael.... and since it's his week, I figure I'll just keep talking about one of my favorite people on the planet.

I love the part of our parenting curriculum that shares the value of giving kids the moral reason why - we've learned and continue to learn that giving the children the ammunition to make their own good judgments and choices has far more lasting value than just saying "yes" and "no".

All of our kids are thinkers, and I think it is primarily because I'm wanting to answer their questions or challenges in ways that will eliminate them needing to ask again. So they think things out.

This is not more true of anyone in the house than Michael. He reasons everything out, ponders, thinks, analyzes and frets a bit. But he also includes and shares endlessly - everything he learns; he shares. His little brother is really benefiting from that.

Michael is also quick to share all the rules. With the arrival of warm weather, we're having to go over the "crossing the road" rule again - and General Michael is really training his little brother.

Yesterday as we drove out of the neighborhood, a jack rabbit crossed the road in front of us. Everyone looked and squealed and then went back to what they were doing. Well the two old men in the car seats in the back of the van struck up a bit of a conversation. Without ever looking up from his leapster, Matti said" that rabbit should have known better than run across the road". To which Michael responded, "that's right little buddy".

So this past week Matti's been showing off his dance moves. This is a bit odd, since Matti's a little shy and Michael's our dancer. But again, if Michael's done it, learned it or seen it, he's going to share it. So Matti's picked up Michael's (above average) dance moves and was dancing in the van the other day. When he finally caught my eye - I laughed and laughed and laughed. He was pretty good -a bit more wild with it all; but pretty good with the Austin Powers stuff. Michael has a bit more finesse of course, but you knew that already.

When I finally quieted down, Michael pointed to his brother and said " mom, that's 'Michael Junior" over there...with just a touch of violence".

Yes, Michael thanks to you he is "Michael Junior with a Touch of Violence".

Michael Man....

2008-05-30T20:18:00.003-04:00

a week from today my Michael man will turn 7 ...

I am struggling.

I think it's all the grown up teeth, and the grown up haircut and the grown up words, and how fast time has gone by. I don't even remember blinking and now he's 7.....

I may be sad because he ties his own shoes now, buckles his own seatbelt and can pour his own cereal...will he forget me? or just quit needing me?

I like Michael alot. He's funny and quick, and tender and caring and smart and did I mention funny? He's a deep, deep well that you can't predict - I like that.

I was thinking recently about my parenting goals...I ponder that alot. For a while now I've been saying that we need to keep the end in sight - we're raising adults - not good kids in bigger bodies. We need to raise grown ups that we would hire, that we would befriend, that we would enjoy having as neighbors; grown ups that are effective and obedient to God.

I may want to revise that a bit ... there's this picture stalking my mind. I see Michael in our home for years as a boy, learning and growing and changing - becoming a man. And then I see the sun rising as Jesus walks toward him with his arms open wide - and Michael leaves me and chooses to take His hand and off they go down a new road.

I'm not sure why that makes me sad - because I don't imagine that as Michael moving on to heaven - but more Michael moving on into a personal, dependent, submitted relationship of worship and adoration with His Lord. The two of them walking that out in college, and marriage and career and fatherhood and ultimately eternity.

So if that's the end game, then my job today and tomorrow must become totally focused on helping Michael grow more aware and more comfortable with the ways of God. I must share with him the blessings of obedience, the need for surrender, the wonder of worship, the majesty of a friend God ... so that when the moment comes it will be seamless for Him. I long for all our children to become so comfortable sharing their lives with Jesus in our homes that it's just a given in their adult lives.

I need more time - I need time to move more slowly, I need more God in me and my life ...and yet in my weakness He is strong, and it's not by my might - but by His power says my Lord, and I can do all things thru Him who gives me strength....

Father, again I ask you to please raise this mighty warrior for your kingdom in spite of me and when you can, with me. I long for Michael to know you in ways I can onlly imagine, I long for Him to have your love and compassion for the lost and the saved, I pray you'll fill him with the spirit of a tender tiger as He pursues Your will for his life. Make him a man of ministry and effectiveness, make him a man of prayer and great favor - give him even tonight as he's brushing all of those new teeth - give him an UNQUENCHABLE thirst for You and Your word.

Help me serve You and him - as You build him into all of those things.

and please help me quit crying before the party.

Thank you for Michael God.

Let us pray....

2008-05-14T08:36:00.002-04:00

Today I'm going to be getting ready for preschool graduation, then to soccer practice and then cheerleading parents meeting and then at some point I will open my refridgerator and look for something for dinner...

Today there are mothers in China who will spend their day waiting for their childrens remains to be pulled from buildings - hoping beyond hope ...

Today there are mothers in Burma waking up with nothing - including their children ...

Today there are mothers in Africa watching their children starve to death...

Mothers - let us pray

...and the Wards...

2008-05-08T18:04:00.006-04:00

Thought I'd catch you up on the rest of the crew - I've been blog hogging for a while now.

We're almost finished with our first soccer season - what fun that has been.

Abby's got tryouts for the high school cheer team in a couple of weeks, and has already started dry land training for swim team.

Matti's last day of school is next Friday - what fun he's had. I love our little school. I've been invited to "Muffins with MOM" tomorrow in his 3 year old class! I can't wait.

Michael's lost yet another tooth - I've got to get a more recent picture. He's almost toothless now. He's loving soccer, getting bored with karate and ready to try baseball and football.

Jeff's got 100 days left at his job in International Affairs - we're guessing they'll squeeze 5 trips to India in that time. The fact that he knows how many days he has left tells you all you need to know. He drove me up to Andrews Monday to see the 737's and the Air Force One Hangar and all of that - it looks like it's for real - can't wait till he gets back in the cockpit again - I miss that smile.

good stuff...

2008-05-04T16:53:00.002-04:00

Had a great time speaking at Destiny today - I do LOVE to talk and I LOVE an audience...it's unreal how comfortable it all is for me up there.

I so appreciate the opportunities the lead team at Destiny keeps giving me - with every one I come home praying "keep stretching me God" - what else can I do?

Talked today about the 4 marks of God on a Woman - Intuition, Security, Nurture and Community. We had to fly thru them - but I loved the fact we got practical and had lots of fun doing it.

I guess the podcast will be up sometime this week.

www.destinychurch.info

Thanks again to those who pave the way for me with your prayers!

Experience this Book...ASAP....

2008-04-26T20:45:00.003-04:00

Whatever else you do this week - make sure you order the book
"The Shack".

I have never experienced anything like it. I loved it, I have it marked up from beginning to end, can't wait to read it again and would especially love to talk to others who've read it.

Unbelievable.

Order this book.

The Benediction and the Dance....

2008-04-21T07:28:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile - I've been knee deep in preparing for a wonderful women's retreat I was blessed to speak to this past weekend. What a fantastic group of ladies - I want them all as my new best friends....

There were quite a few requests for a couple of things I shared - and this seems to be the best forum to get them out there so ....

"I Danced with God Tonight" - by Cindy Ward
(Zeph. 3:17)

I danced with God tonight.
I wore purple taffeta and pearls. He wore the scars that saved me.

He reached His hand out and took mine.
Not the pretty girl to my right or the perfect one to my left, but mine.

The angels sang, the trees swayed, the birds rolled in and out of formation, and the earth kept time. The sun was our spotlight, the moon our symphony. Time stood still.

He gently glided me onto the dance floor of my life, placed one hand on my waist, took my hand in His and mercifully moved ever so slowly and tenderly.

He sang in my ear the song He’s been singing over me forever and new life stirred in my heart.
He breathed on my cheek and I could hear the rocky places inside of me crumble.

He looked in my eyes and I heard the oceans roar and there was rest.

He caressed my face with His hand, brushing the hair from my eyes and I could see. For the very first time, I could see.

I smiled and He laughed from His belly. I was restored.

I sang and He twirled me through the deepest darkest chasms of my life.

My gown flowed with His peace as life regenerated all around us....and in me.

I stumbled and He picked me up and I was dancing with all of me yet with no strength of my own. Effortlessly beautiful...

The music faded and I heard His heart beat a new song for me as the stars danced across the heavenlies.

The light faded and I saw His glory fill the room, and He held me tightly.

He held me.

I danced with God tonight.

By the way ladies - the worship song that prompted this amazing moment with the Lord is called "You are Still Holy" by Kim Hill - a powerful song.

The 2nd thing people were asking about was the Benediction I read - author unknown...

May all your expectations be frustrated;
May all your plans be thwarted.
May all your desires be withered into nothingness
So that you may experience the poverty and powerlessness of a child…
And sing and dance in the great compassionate heart of God.

The song I referred to when I was talking about Abby is entitled:
"He Knows My Name" by Tommy Walker

Ladies - be blessed as you rest in Jesus!

prayer request

2008-03-27T21:28:00.003-04:00

Remember that post a few weeks back - where I was pondering the amazing gifts of prayer we've been given. I'd like to piggy back on that for a minute and ask that you pray for my cousin Brandon.

He's 28 years old and has just been diagnosed with a very agressive and rare form of cancer. The prognosis isn't encouraging, the treatment sounds big and intense and it's all happening in TX far away from his friends and family in Alabama.

Please pray.

God + __________ =

2008-03-14T21:36:00.003-04:00

So something happened on the way thru prayer requests the other day at Bible Study. A brief exchange about Oprah's latest epiphany offering began a stirring....

Since I've no affiliations with anyone - I'll only make one brief disclaimer and then I'm afraid I'm just going to march right into the deep abyss of controversy.

The disclaimer is this - I could be wrong.

However - I've had a tremendously painful history with being very deceived in a very spiritual and seemingly trustworthy place, hurting lots of people and then doing the hard work of de-programming over many years- so if you think I'm wrong you're going to have to work REALLY hard to convince me of it. I've got scars that still speak.

Here's what I believe - God plus anything is wrong. It's a sweeping statement and those can be dangerous when taken out of context; but in light of Oprah and her daily spiritual offerings - in that context, God plus anything is wrong and I must speak...more boldly than I prefer.

It's a debate of facts for some, a debate of feelings for others - and so I've been struggling since Tuesday to come up with a simple explanation for my convictions. Here’s my attempt…

As most of you know - we have an adopted daughter.

Let's say that she came to us tomorrow as a teenager; now far more learned and experienced in life than when she arrived at the age of 4, and made a request. What if she told us that we were doing a fine job as parents - but she really thought she'd benefit if we'd let her birthparents move in.Her argument would include the truth that there are tendencies she has that we don't understand that her birth mother would know instinctively, and that health issues could be discussed with more information if birth father was sitting at the dinner table. She would continue to let us know that we were indeed special to her and she was appreciative of the rescue we offered many years ago, the care we were providing now, and the love we'd given so freely - and that none of that had to change - she just wanted to add more knowledge to the equation. This new knowledge would not be to hurt us but to expand all of us - especially her, to help her navigate the days to come a bit better. It would be a valid argument full of truth and potential hope.

Except for this one thing - there's no way we could add two more parents into the equation without Jeff and Cindy becoming diluted in the process. We would tell her "no" (as you would tell her no) because first of all although it makes sense and it could be reasoned out - it's not best. Our authority would be challenged, her faith in our love and our ability to care for her would be challenged, the house would become divided, the other 2 children would begin to wonder what all of this meant for them and everything would begin to crumble all under the guise of just adding a little more information.

But there would surely be therapists, teachers, and even spiritual leaders who would love this idea of us unifying to heal – or maybe it’s actually diluting to avoid conflict; - or is it really an opportunity to fill her with facts so she wouldn't have to have faith in us? I guess it would depend on where you stand. There would be no real authority in her life - just more resources and information to make her complete. She would truly be enlightened.

Here's the comparison: You see Oprah hasn't to my knowledge come out and told you that she wants to replace your faith in God, His Word or His care for you - she just wants to add a little something to it. And how logical it all sounds, and of course it makes sense.

This new book she's steamrolling into modern (especially female) culture references the scriptures in more than one chapter. He (Eckhart Tolle) talks about God. It looks good, it sounds good, it feels good - she's even offering "community" thru her web page, she's allowing for daily reinforcements with her radio show, TV show and magazine - she's making it easy for you to dive right into "group think" = a precursor to deception. And thru it all we will be more informed! And remember what Satan said to Eve - maybe God is holding out on us...He surely wouldn't mind if we added something along the way - not if He really loves us.

Well, I'm not God but I'll tell you this - our daughter better not come home with her birth parents and their baggage in tow - it'll be ugly. Not because we hate them, fear them or are concerned they'll hurt her - but because we are enough parents for her - God said so and that's it Information isn't the answer.

God plus Oprah and Eckhart may make you feel more enlightened; and maybe your ego is something that God left out of the Word to prompt us on this sort of "Easter egg hunt" for the rest of the story. Maybe "ego" is "flesh" and we can transform into more Presence and then our flesh will be perfected and God will change His mind about us "crucifying the flesh and living in His Spirit". Maybe one good, transformed, enlightened human full of the “presence” is all it’s going to take for _______.

I don't know what then....maybe that's a good question - once the transformation happens, what then?

Or maybe this is a distraction; an opportunity for you to maintain just a bit of control, an opportunity to feel the power of self discovery - isn't that what this stirs in you really?

Or maybe you'll be the one who'll actually stay steady on the course of "be ye holy as I am holy" - this new quest to ignore the ego, pursue your miracles etc. won't affect you at all. You’re just browsing anyway.

Guess what - that's exactly what the enemy is hoping - just add a bit here - and while you're busy adding you'll never notice the fading that's going on in your heart. And eventually you'll start letting people know that "yes, you need to repent of your sins, ask Jesus into your heart and pick up a copy of _____, _____ and…. well I guess it'll depend on how many gurus we’ve added by then.

My friend the day is coming when it all crumbles around you and Eckhart and Oprah and Marianne will be on their next book tour, they won't take your call or answer your e-mail - and your enlightenment and information won't help you much at all.

I'm begging you - pray!
Ask God if this is something He wants you to add to all He's teaching you and showing you, if you think He says yes, find that plan in scripture and then please call me I'd like to hear about it.

If He says no - RUN!!!!

Run like a child running from an adorable rabid dog - he may be cute but he's going to kill you.

2 coats and a blessing bonanza....

2008-03-04T19:48:00.002-05:00

So 1 Samuel 15:22
"And Samuel answered,
" What pleases the Lord more: burnt offerings and sacrifices or obedience to his voice?
It is better to obey than to sacrifice.
It is better to listen to God than to offer the fat of sheep."

I finally found a consignment shop in our area recently and was cleaning out some clothes to consign. I had a stack for the store and a stack for give-away. As I took the last load to the van I remembered I had a couple of coats I was ready to let go of so I grabbed them too. One long red one, and one long black one.

I loaded the coats into the van and felt a strong impression that they weren't to go in either of the piles - they were not to be consigned or given to Goodwill - I was to give them to my friend Rebecca. It was a strange thought because I knew they wouldn't fit her and they didn't really look like her, blah, blah, blah... But then her mom came to mind - that didn't make any more sense than the original idea - they wouldn't fit her either, but maybe....so I kept them in the van.

I dropped off the clothes for consignment, I dropped the rest of the clothes off at Goodwill and eventually found only 2 coats left in my trunk. When I would remember they were back there I'd start the whole questioning process again: "Why Rebecca? Why her mom? This is so strange, but ok God".

A couple of weeks ago I finally remembered to give them to her. She had no idea what to do with them either - but I explained that it was very strong on my heart to give them to her or to her mom - and that I just needed to obey - would she please just take the coats, pray about it and let's see what happened.

She took them and eventually passed them to her mom explaining that we were all just praying and obeying and waiting . So her mom prayed about it, and the Lord finally put a lady on her heart. Yesterday she delivered them.

As Rebecca relayed the story to me today - her mom walked in with the coats to a woman who received them in utter amazement. You see that woman had just prayed "God if it be your will I'd like a red coat and a black one for funerals".

The God of all creation hand delivered those coats by way of 3 women who tripped their way thru hearing and obeying and now get to bask in the blessings of getting it right!

Isn't that so amazing?
and
wouldn't it be even more amazing if we got to be a part of God's intentional, very specific, crazy fanatical love for His people and all the cool ways He hears and answers their prayers far more often.

I really hope I get to be a part of something like that again - you see the bags I took to Goodwill (my pseudo-sacrifice) - that's a cool thing to do and I pray over them and all of that....
but...
the 2 coats that journeyed me thru obedience - that was off the charts.

To obey is better than sacrifice.

Oh and Rebecca you should know that I prayed this morning during my workout that God would let me know that I could actually hear His voice....so thanks for being a part of Him answering that prayer for me.

And, oh by the way - weren't you the one that told me between chips and salsa a couple of weeks ago that you wanted to experience the process of knowing you heard Him, and did what He asked....

So I wonder who were the coats about really?

only God.

Good News.....

2008-02-29T16:21:00.003-05:00

YEAHHHHHHH!!!!!

It looks like we're staying in Virginia for another 4 years! 7 years in one place - what a scandal!

Jeff got the call today - an invitation to fly with the 89th Air Lift Wing out of Andrews Maryland.

He's been assigned to the 737's which as of right now is the airplane of choice for the Vice President and the First Lady. He's excited about the missions they'll be flying, the new aircraft, the commercial rating that comes with the whole training process and the fact that his daughter will get to finish school here.

Thank you God

dear rebecca....

2008-02-11T12:30:00.001-05:00

please, could you just please post a comment?????

I know you're out there - I hear stories!

invisible gifts.....

2008-02-11T12:05:00.000-05:00

i laid down to sleep last nite and an inventory of prayer needs flooded my mind.
no sooner than i thought about some of these needs though my spirit switched gears and i suddenly started thinking about people who had prayed for me.

i started seeing faces of people who prayed with me during my 10 years of infertility. people who prayed years ago that God would bless Jeff's career and give him favor. people who prayed for me when i stepped out in faith and __________ did any number of things i didn't think i could do or people who prayed us thru the addition of abby, or people who prayed me thru countless surgeries.....

it didn't take long to become completely overwhelmed - especially when i realized that so many of those people never got to see the results - the ones who prayed for me thru infertility treatment in Georgia - have yet to meet my kids (all 3 of them), the ones who prayed for jeff to finish flight school 15 years ago when all bets were off have no idea that he's proficient in several airplanes and has an amazing career still in action. the ones who prayed thru abby - have no idea what a gorgeous, strong, stable (as stable as teenagers can be) young woman she is. those that prayed me thru surgeries don't get to share with me the days that turn into months that turn into years with no pain.

but did they ever invest.

i may be in one of my more analytical states - but how do you ever reconcile that? what kind of love is that? what a gift!

how not-alone i am and how not-alone I have always been.

Hebrews has in it one of my favorite thoughts "we have around us many people whose lives tell us what faith means. so let us run the race that is before us and never give up". (Heb 12:1 NCV)

everytime you pray for someone - whether in paragraphs or short cries - you are taking your faith and investing it in the lives of other saints.

so pray for me and I'll pray for you - and we'll let that crowd of witnesses in the heavenlies cheer us on - and we'll keep praying and praying and praying and thanking God for all those praying for us.

bottom line - if you've prayed for me - thanks. you just wouldn't believe what a great job God did with your prayers.

and yes, I'll pray for you - just ask.

On Target....

2008-02-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

So, if you were in Target yesterday between 3-3:30 you got to enjoy a monumental teaching moment for our precious Matti. For that I apologize and I thank you.

I've been thinking about the whole scene and I've decided it was good. The truth is I spent maybe 45-60 minutes in a really uncomfortable place - Matti screaming, me sweating, strangers staring, driving home with him throwing a fit in the back seat - it wasn't fun.

But I'm convinced if I hadn't invested that 60 minutes into teaching him about first time obedience - I could very possibly be spending the next 6-12 months dealing with his rebellion. In light of that it was a good investment.

It's the big picture that saves my bacon and my sanity everytime. I get it wrong so often; but yesterday the opportunity arose to give Matti some keys to living life; keys like:
1) mom doesn't lie
2) mom doesn't negotiate
3) I'm safe - because she's still in charge
4) bad choices always hurt
5) I'm expected to obey right away
6) throwing a fit isn't in my best interest...ever.

Seems to me, looking at that list that some really useful life skills were learned. God's grace was all over the situation - I never got emotional!!! It was all about a choice - and I could clearly see that Matti's sneaky little offense was a glaring example of a heart that wasn't in submission.
That was a big deal to me - not because I want to be supermom, or have the best kids in the checkout line at Target - but because God says that "obedience is better than sacrifice"; and then He says it over and over again thru His word.

We live by faith - but we're blessed by obedience. I want my kids to live a life of favor and God's richest blessings - so I invest a little blood, sweat and tears in the Target line so that one day Matti will not only submit his heart to the leadership of Jesus Christ - but that He'll crave that authority in his life and enjoy the great riches offered by the King of Kings.

Interesting end note - Matti's spirit is at rest. He's the most tender, joyful little guy as all the kids have always been after moments of discipline. It's an amazing process to be a part of - confession and forgiveness are incredible gifts beyond words. It is incredibly humble to be a part of the processes that construct a heart.

Conviction sharing....

2008-01-29T10:50:00.000-05:00

i heard a quote recently that I really liked:
"we live by faith, but we're blessed by obedience".
that's good, isn't it? this whole obedience thing is huge - truly just obeying will keep you really busy.

so....i've been thinking about that and then walked into a sermon on Sunday that was quite stirring.
check out the podcast when you get a chance. (http://www.destinychurch.info/) the message is called "New Direction. But here's a quick run-down.

"When you give your commitment and devotion to God, He astounds you with His provision and His blessing."
...however...
Malachi 1 & 2 points out 3 things God doesn't bless -

1. God doesn't bless our left-overs. Malachi 1:6-14
2. God doesn't bless lousy leaders. Malachi 2:1-9
3. God doesn't bless broken vows. Malachi 2:10-16

hmmm....check out the podcast

Friends and family....

2008-01-25T17:23:00.001-05:00

isn't it cool when the line begins to blur between friends and family?

i haven't experienced that much - 20 something moves in my short life (comment at your own risk) has made me the recipient of many phenomenal acquaintances. But friends take time to simmer, and stew and saturate themselves into your life. i've not lived anywhere in my life over about 5 years - so saturating isn't something i've done much of.

all of that to make you feel sorry for me.

no, no. all of that to say that i truly am blessed to have some great friends. friends who'll drive 9 hours with 3 kids to spend the weekend in the snow with us. friends who'll choose to vacation at our house. friends who just keep choosing us. being the new kid in town so many times has made me keenly aware that sometimes the most friendly thing someone does is just "choose" me.

the wards have just spent a perfect weekend in the snow with some great family. it's a gift from God to have people who love you, your husband and your kids - it's especially a miracle when they don't drink cold tea and you don't drink hot tea - but you can still fellowship. there is a God in heaven!

for those of you who continue to choose to remember us long after we're gone - thanks. for those of you who've made the crazy trip to VA - you have no idea what it means to me - a girl with no home town, no roots and big photo albums - to be chosen.

So here's a few pix of some incredibly happy kids playing in some providential snow!!!
Thanks Daddy-man and Auntie......
We love you guys!
Love Auntie StingRay!

static displays

2008-01-25T17:01:00.000-05:00

back in Jeff's flying days he was on occasion asked to go and "do" air shows. what that meant for his particular plane was that they wanted him to fly his plane to the air show location and park it - for days. he was then to stand next to it looking "pilot-y" and official and sign autographs and answer questions - making sure no one touched anything or decided to turn the jet on.

i've been thinking about that in regards to parenting lately. mostly because that's what i want to do.

at least for one of my kids i feel like i've got a handle on things so i want to put him on static display and stand beside him sharing my wealth of confidence and wisdom with all the poor saps who pass by.

truthfully, i think that sounds pretty good.

the problem is that raising kids is mostly like nailing jello to the wall - things are slipping and sliding all the time. they change and grow, we change and grow and no one gets to sign autographs.

every honest mom i know ahead of me on the journey says that about the time they got things figured out with the stage their kids were in - the stage changed.

so maybe, just maybe - 1) they're going to grow out of some of this and 2) if we fill our "toolbox" with timeless tools - the kind that go from toddler to teen - we just might eliminate some of the "shock and awe" moments to come.

that's why my tools have to work for all 3 or they're really useless. "listen and obey" is true for Matti the Great at 3 and mommy the stubborn at 3_. "bad choices always hurt" is true for running in the street, and running a red light. "speak with love and respect" is good at preschool and the Pentagon. you see what i mean - i think there's something revolutionary about the fact that God told us to come to Him as little children - we have to come in obedience, learning to love and serve and die to our own desires - just like the little people in our lives have to. the truths - the tools are timeless - i pray that my parenting has made me a better daughter to the "king" - you see I'm not His static display either.

so just a note to make sure your tools are sized for life - because they're aren't' any air shows or static displays or autograph sessions - there's just the constant of change.

Luke 1:37 - nothing is impossible with God!!!

new year...new prayers....

2008-01-16T21:19:00.000-05:00

i am drawn of recent to the basics of my faith - really the basics of my relationship with God. the simple disciplines that i have in my life; that build my paradigm.

as is so often the case i am frustrated with me. i tend to be so hard on me - i know - i've read that it's pride, or control or fear or over-analytical...who cares. its still the truth.
i long for the raw, young, exhilarating "trust and obey" of old. i've been in a funk lately - feeling like i'm going thru the motions and knowing that God is unimpressed. i have become a statue of rituals; a memorial to the mantras of an American Christian life - frankly i'm unimpressed.

i saw this Tozer quote on another blog tonite "always life stands beyond death and beckons the man who is sick of himself to come and know the life more abundant". i am sick of me and of this particular ride - the commute is the same; the destination is actually virtuous - but it's not alive and breathing and infectious.
i'm going to need "alive and breathing and infectious" to make it - i'm really going to need it to draw my kids to this Jesus I want them to love. i've grown so busy in leading others i've failed to notice that i'm going in a circle. no wonder i'm dizzy.

i've used the illustration of jeff and flight training before because it works - he says if you're flying a plane and it starts into a flat spin (a terrible danger) then you run the checklist - walk thru the fundamentals. i could use the checklist - not more do's and don'ts - but a real focus on the things that ignite my heart toward God.

oh how i enjoyed the way i thought that worked in the past - more church, more service, more rituals - that was a pretty simple checklist. it normally ended with me "standing" before God in my sunday best surrounded by my silliness wondering where the cheering squad from heaven was.

it's harder now - but it's effective. the things that truly ignite my passion and love and heart for Jesus are gritty; things like
fasting not for an hour so i'll feel good about myself - but long enough until i can't "feel" all my hungers, worshipping until the tears erupt from my toes,
reading His word until He speaks...and i hear,
walking a quiet and intentional route until my mind is clear and my heart is open,
repenting until the weight is lifted
restoring that which is broken until the glue dries
obeying - going back to the last thing i know He asked me to do and obeying - all the way, right away, the happy way...without dispute, without distration, without delay..and then doing that over and over and over again.

it's time for those hard things again...i'm an idiot for letting them fall by the wayside for things like teaching Sunday School, or sending cards every week. isn't that harsh and ugly and unacceptable to say that?
the truth is - i've done those things faithfully for the last few months and enjoyed every minute of it knowing that the tank in my life was well past "E" and i was running on fumes...so i ask you - who'd i really help, or bless or serve...did God use it - probably; but He also used an ass. it was never about me - it was about His need to reach the other person - if it hadn't been me, He'd have made it happen somehow.

what is about me is this stagnate, stale, unfragrant thing i've got going with Him now...and that's an infection i need healed.
that's my prayer tonite - God please forgive me for leaving you for service and self - please pursue me and strengthen me to find you in the deeper places. i long for the deeper places where i feel Your breath on my cheek and know that You are mine and I am yours.

wow - what january does to me.

January Gray.....

2008-01-05T18:23:00.000-05:00

Well, "Holidays 07" has come and gone. My favorite present was having Jeff home for 2 weeks!!! We quit counting at 9 trips to India last year - plus lots of little trips and then him leaving at 5am every morning and not returning until 7:30pm...I was really missing the guy! How awesome it was to have him around for the whole holiday vacation. It was good for all of us.

Matti's RSV came and went with little commotion. He missed his little Christmas production at school - but that didn't stop him from singing at home once he felt better. What a joy!!!!

The kids had a great Christmas as did Jeff and I - we've been Wii'd and what a glorious thing it is. That game is such an amazing invention. All 5 of us are having a blast - well I should say Abby, Michael and Matti are having a blast while Jeff and I are trying to keep up. Abby bowled a 199 the other night, while Michael's high is in the 160's - Matti's even bowled a 114......hmmmm. If you can't find me at either phone, I'm practicing my bowling!!!

2008 is off with a roar - unfortunately....I'm one of those sad saps who struggles with January. ...

football is over
Nascar is over (keep your comments to yourself)...
my favorite season fall is over...
Christmas is over
shopping is over...
baking is over...
planning is over...
and worst yet - there are no surprises left....just the routine you left sometime in November compounded by the cold, dark and snowcovered days of winter.

January is hard for me - no kidding. My new years adrenaline kicks in in September and I'm off - and I was indeed on a great roll until these *%&#@ allergies kicked in and and kicked my butt. So I'm hoping for a sunny day and a gentle lift.

Fortunately, I've got the kids to keep me company while Jeff shops the streets of Germany this weekend on his way to India for a week or two.

Michael's over the moon excited about Upward Basketball, Karate testing and his new Redskins Watch. Matti's beyond himself using his new word "recognize" - in all sorts of sentences - mostly including Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker, and the Sith Lord. And Abby's happy to get up every morning just to see how much longer her hair grew from the night before....so all is not sullen in the Ward home.

Happy New Year!!!

Christmas 2007

2007-12-15T06:55:00.000-05:00

Christmas Letter 2007

2007-12-15T06:51:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

What a great year the Ward Family has enjoyed. We are so humbled and blessed by the many blessings we’re enjoying – and still so keenly aware that as we’ve celebrated some amazing moments, there are those we love who have endured their most difficult. Our hearts and prayers continue to go out to you – especially this holiday season. And as always, to those who are supporting our freedom all over the world – we stand in humble gratitude to you. There is no way we’ll ever be able to repay the cost you and your families continue to pay so we can “have it our way”– Godspeed!

You really can’t imagine all Jeff and I have learned this year. It’s truly amazing and almost embarrassing to ponder how we ever functioned before we had children to really teach us something. Just look at how we’ve grown just this year…
* You do have to pay more for the jeans with the holes in them.
* Princess Leia was not a Jedi and therefore does not have a light saber (“so neither will you mom”).
* The Darth Vader theme is never to be sung by “grills” (girls) – only boys forever and always.
* Dad doesn’t work anymore – he just goes to the airport.
* Jesus’ mother was “Merry Christmas”
* When your daughter invites a boy for dinner – it’s not considered chaperoning if the parents spend the whole time in the bathroom throwing up.
* We have to keep our money in piggy banks or else Matthew from the Bible will come back and take it from us like he did in Bible days.
* When your son is almost asleep and you go in for one more nighttime kiss – he can immediately pause his dream by touching his finger on his forehead. This is not to be initiated by the parent – only the child.
* Leggings are back – but not the ugly ones (WHAT????).
* Parents should be seen and not heard – or heard and not seen – or better yet both when there are cute guys anywhere close.
* Kindergartners can no longer kiss mommy without their faces turning red, and strange grunts coming from their belly – but waves are appropriate – if not overzealous. Do not blow kisses from the carpool line!
* When you tell your children that we’ll have to wait on the weatherman to tell us when the next snow storm is if you’re not incredibly clear it may be translated -“we’ll have to go see the weatherman at the snow store and get more snow”.

Truly, it’s been an uneventful year at our home. Now, 2008 promises to bring some excitement with the end to Jeff’s assignment in the International Affairs office and a move to another assignment, a move for Abby to high school, Michael will be moving to elementary school and Matti will move to school 5 days a week – I will then be moving to whatever “facility” that’s close by and has a vacancy! But we can talk about all of that next year.

As a final note, if you’ve got a second this crazy season and could check in with the God of the Universe – I’m certain He’d love to tell you how much He loves you; how He created all things – especially Christmas because of His crazy love for you and how He’s got this whole thing under control no matter what. Don’t know what your day or your heart is full of – but only Jesus gives life to this living.

We’re off to find the snow store so we can sled this afternoon between showings of Star Wars. Feel free to check out our blog to keep up with the continuing education of two parents – www.cindyandthewards.blogspot.com – just be sure to leave a comment and let us know you were there and please come see us!

Blessings to you and yours!

daddy and the kids praying...

2007-12-04T13:59:00.000-05:00

Christmas ... intentionally.

2007-12-03T14:33:00.000-05:00

Evidently two security officers hired to guard the gate at a local military installation got into a fight one day while at their post. The argument got really hot and both of them pulled their weapons - 10 shots were fired. Neither one of them hit a thing! It's a true story -

If we're not careful that's how the Christmas season happens - we shoot and shoot and shoot - but never hit anything; much less our intended target. Books and articles abound on how to keep the focus on Jesus during Christmas - but I'm normally so busy sending in sugar cookies to this school, gift bags to that school and trying to keep the laundry done that those books don't get a whole lot of attention in our home.

This is one of those times when traditions really become a gift. Like the cruise control on a car - those traditions can keep you up to speed on the journey your family is taking. So, take a minute, pray and add maybe one new tradition to your Christmas this year. For our family especially - since we relocate so often - these time honored traditions become "home".

Here are the few we do - I'd love to hear a few that you do - let's just promise each other not to get overwhelmed....

* Birthday cake for Jesus - it's dessert for Christmas dinner after we read the Christmas story. The kids love baking it.

* Prayer before presents - once the kids have come down and seen what Santa's brought, we play and enjoy for a while - then daddy leads us in a prayer of thanksgiving for all we have, all we're about to get and for all the kids around the world who may not be enjoying Christmas at all.

* Christmas Bingo - my grandmother started this and I loved it as a kid. Now I am enjoying my mom share it with my kids every year. We play bingo Christmas Eve as a family and enjoy silly prizes before we go to bed.

deprogramming and deciphering...

2007-12-01T07:19:00.000-05:00

For those of you who love to hear about all of my parenting mistakes (and I know who you are - you "pseudo-friends") I've got a good one for you.

Last night around bedtime Michael and I sat down with the December issue of "Highlights" the kids magazine for some reading before rest time. Michael was exhausted - every blink looked like those big gorgeous eyelashes were having to help each other up ...but he wanted to finish the page.

We finished the story and at the bottom were looking at the kids drawings that had been sent in to go with the story. He was having fun looking at the pictures and being able to read the age of the artist by himself. Then he saw one and said "wow, that's from a 7 year old mom ... but what the hell is it?"

Uh oh.
__________________

I guess like every other mom in the world I've been listening to the kids and their Christmas wishes for days now. The Ward boys are totally engulfed in Star Wars - well actually all 8 boys under the age of 10 in our cul-de-sac are engulfed in Star Wars. We have light sabres in every color from one end of the street to the other - we LOVE Star Wars.

The boys have been playing the Star Wars games on Playstation with Abby and Jeff alot lately - so the excitement is almost more than we can contain right now.

So one day recently in the car one of them started telling me about the "Complete Star Wars Suck UP" and how we had to have it. The other one chimed in and quickly they rose several octaves explaining all that Darth Vader does, and then Hans Solo does and then Luke...and it went on and on bigger and better by the second.
I interrupted to try and figure out what in the world they were talking about - was it a Lego's game, a ship, a computer game??? What was the "Compwete Star Wars Suck Up?"

It took about 30 minutes and then it hit me - it was another game for Play Station called "The Complete Star Wars SAGA".

Mind you, they'll not have me calling it that in their presence - but I do think the guy at Target is going to understand what I'm talking about now.

Jesus' Mother and Thanksgiving

2007-11-27T23:12:00.000-05:00

So Matti settled yet another theological question for us tonite - and because I tend to share everything with everyone , I see no reason to keep it from you (the 3 people who read this blog :))

Jesus' Mother was "Merry Christmas" - I doubt he's the first kid to say this, but he's the first one in our house to say it!!!
______________________________
Thanksgiving.
I'm thankful Jeff didn't fall off the scaffolding while painting and hanging the ceiling fan this weekend.

I'm thankful we didn't spend any time in the emergency room over the long weekend.

I'm thankful I successfully cooked my first thanksgiving meal (although it was on Saturday and probably doesn't count and is forever marred by the fact that I can't repeat it since I have no idea what I put in the pumpkin seed, cranberry dressing which Jeff now says he wants me to fix about once a month).

I'm thankful Abby didn't fall in love or break up with anyone over the long weekend.

I'm thankful that yet another round of steroids was offered by a very compassionate doctor today to try and stop this major allergy fit my body seems to be having. And I'm thankful it's winter and not summer - so no one can actually see the wretched condition my skin is in.

I'm thankful that steroids make you manic and hyper and cause you to get lots done and since it's the Christmas season I have lots to do - yes, tying gingham ribbons on invitations is important I don't care what you say. And having the kids handpaint wrapping paper is a GREAT idea dangit!!!

I'm thankful that Michael continues to thank God for Star Wars and Playstation in his prayers.

I'm thankful that Matti gets to go to the "treasure box" tomorrow to bring home yet another plastic snake that I will then be in charge of protecting, repairing, nurturing and keeping in fine working order.

I'm thankful that the smell of gasoline from the spilled can in the back of our mini-van is almost bearable.

I'm thankful that the estimate to fix the other broken car is less than what we thought.

I'm thankful that the mouse we caught in the basement and then took to the garage where he hastily escaped is most certainly no longer residing with us - he just couldn't be...right?

I'm thankful that Matti's picked his new favorite color - and it's silver "just like his daddy". I'm also thankful that he's emphatically declared that the "grills" (girls) in the Ward family are not allowed to sing, hum or whistle the "Darth Vader Song". at least we know the rules.

I'm thankful the best day of Michael's life was today "because daddy got the ceiling fan up, mommy organized his closet, his brother made him smile and he got to be awake when Abby got home from Bible Study tonite". The kid has a heart the size of a small galaxy.

I'm thankful Jeff heard it this weekend when Abby said a high schooler had a crush on her and she liked him too....his reaction then made me thankful that as a trained killing machine he's had a great deal of training on how to handle his emotions (I do think a refresher course might be in order).

I'm thankful Jeff will yet again this weeked be traveling to India to answer a few questions for a bunch of generals - not because I won't miss him - but because everytime some official over there requires Jeff to fly for 2 days, take anti-malaria meds, dodge the deadly monkeys and mosquitos and then fly 2 days back to answer a few questions it makes it so much more palatable for him when I say "Jeff, I need to talk to you about something". It's all about perspective - don't you think.

I'm thankful that while he's gone I'm quite certain our household will acquire that 5th Christmas tree we're going to need this year....unless of course he's one of the 3people that reads this blog.

I'm thankful that I'm getting sleepy - because it's been a long time coming.

I'm thankful that there are blessings unnumbered in my life that I do not deserve, haven't worked for and couldn't figure out how to keep if you asked me - but He loves me therefore...I am blessed.

Oh yeah, there are pictures from our thanksgiving with Jeff's family this year but the camera bag has been in the gas infested car for a week and has to be aired out in the mouse infested garage on top of the 6 empty paint cans before it can come inside so I don't break out in yet another rash due to the smell...
You're getting the picture aren't you?

Anyway, I should have some new pix by Valentines!

Thanks God - there is life in this living all because of You!

Mattheology....

2007-11-12T14:59:00.000-05:00

So Matti came home from Awana's last nite on a sugar high with much to say...
It hasn't been a great couple of weeks at the Ward house with colds, and allergies, and wrecks and gas cans spilling in mini-vans...those sorts of things... but back to the point; Matti came home from Awana's last night and told us about the birthday party and the cupcakes and then dug into his cereal.
About 2 bites in his eyes lit up, his eyebrows shot up to the ceiling and his "preacher hand" started waving..."we talked about Noah....he built 2 boats".
So I took the bait - "why two boats Matti?"
Another sloppy bite of raisin bran and then that look that says "mom sometimes I pity you and all you don't know" - and he patiently explained "Mom, I saw the movie 2 times and everytime he builds a boat".
Yes we have just recently become the owners of "Evan Almighty".
And we laughed - we really all needed to laugh.

A couple nights before this mom was standing in as nighttime bible reader while dad was preserving freedom and such somewhere else on the planet. I decided to read about Goliath the Giant. Matti didn't appear to really even be paying attention - but then he excitedly ran to my lap and said "just like me mommy, just like me - I like Giant - He likes chocolate doughnuts just like me".

I'm not much on bribing kids - mostly because I really don't expect the 10th grade chemistry teacher to tell my kids if you do your homework I'll buy you a Big Mac - but for other reasons too - I just don't do it. But while potty training - things are a bit different - and I do reward.
So at the entrance of our neighborhood is a grocery story called "Giant" where after achieving success at eliminating toxins in the potty Matti would get to go to have his chocolate doughnut.

So somehow Goliath the Giant turned into a chocolate doughnut eating pal for Matti- and now they're just alike. A truly religious moment for my little man.

You'll be happy to know I've returned the reigns of Ward Bible Reader to Jeff whom I've also got convinced that staying home and preserving sanity might be a better use of his time!

according to matti....

2007-10-30T13:04:00.000-04:00

3 is my favorite age - next to 5 and then 0-18months and then whatever's after 9-11. But all of that notwithstanding I love 3 years old. I've just learned so much from the 3 year olds in my life.

Today I told him to put his pants on - to which he replied "I'm a big boy, I can do it all by myself" So he did - except he put them on backwards. When he came to show me I explained his error to which he replied "no problem mom - I can just turn around!"

This morning he asked me for a bunch of tiny pieces of wood so he could build a house. I asked him why we needed another house and he replied, "It's not for us mom, it's for the ants. We have ants in our house - I'll build them a little house in the backyard and we can open the doors and the ants can leave us and go to their own house." I told him that sounded like a great idea - but the better idea would be to not leave crumbs around the kitchen floor so the ants wouldn't come in here at all. "No, mom they need to come in and get warm and then they can go back outside - they can eat our crumbs and then we'll open the doors - so let's go get the wood right now!"

He's this minute standing next to me drawing his hand and telling me that at school they say "we have to sin against God. Mommy that's what we say. We have to obey my teachers mom".

This past weekend he saw something he wasn't quite sure about - he wrinkled up his little eyebrows (in what Jeff calls the Jeanne Radekopf special) and said "mom, that's stwange - that's really interstate". We're guessing that he meant "interesting".

He's the most "interstating" in our lives right now! I'm thankful for it :)

Mommies....

2007-10-10T20:46:00.000-04:00

What a privilege it is to spend every Wednesday morning with a group of like minded mommies pursuing some great things for our homes. I love Wednesday's - but I seem to come away in some sort of militant melancholy mood...with lots on my mind.

I have a passion to remind mommies that they are still seen by the God of the Universe. To remind them that He hasn't forgotten them or their hearts, or their favorite color or their dreams - that He has a running inventory of their concerns and knows the last time they had a leisurely afternoon to themselves. I want to tell them that He wants to love them wildly and romantically, and care for them and that He is far more invested in their children than even they are. I want to wrap them in blankets of scripture to assure them that "nothing is impossible for Him", that "all things work together for good", that "He will accomplish what concerns them with His unfailing love and mercy and compassion", and "He has a plan for them, their husbands and their kids", that "His yoke is easy and His burden is Light" I want them to find at the end of themselves and their best mommy efforts the superhero they've always dreamed of in God.

I'd also like to share a few tears, some real giggles and endless sweet tea at all of these encounters.

I've read that your calling is where your greatest passion and the worlds greatest need intersect. Well, the passion is there and I certainly see the need in the world I live in to take the burden off of mommy. There's this strange almost mutually exclusive idea in me that women need to let go and hold on differently. Invariably, the recurring theme I see in the eyes of mommies is bondage and fear and exhaustion. How exactly are we going to raise world changers with those components running thru us? We are consumed by the "shoulds", the "what ifs" and the "I'm trapped" - we spend most of our energy trying to keep those very real feelings hidden from everyone.

So if my megaphone were bigger I'd yell really loudly - "STOP the MADNESS - Lay this thing down".

Here's the bottom line - the Bible says that unless the Lord builds the house - the builders labor in vain. Ladies - that's us.

If God doesn't raise these kids - you are working in vain! You can't do it - you are not enough and you never will be - it's gotta be the Lords work.

If you are exhausted - find rest. Work on the discipline of turning life off and quieting your mind in the presence of a Living God. Learn what softens your heart - worship, nature, sitting in a beautiful cathedral and make it happen. If you are running on empty - you are setting yourself up for a long walk! Only you can change that - hire a sitter, or call a friend and honestly tell them - "I'm in trouble, I need help".

If you are scared - name it! Get a journal and name the elephants in the room - they lose so much of their power when they're out. Then take a look at your list of fears and compare that with what you know of God - if any/all of your fears were to come true - are any of them outside the realm of His care? If not - you're good. Just believe that.

If you're feeling trapped - choose life. I have this silly list in my bedside table of things that breathe life into me. When the world starts crashing around me to loudly and too fast and I can't hear my own heartbeat I actually have to look at my list to remind myself of what stirs my heart back to life. e.g. - great jazz, Allison Kraus, the wind, the sound of water on rocks, exercise, swimming especially...and the list goes on...if you know me you know Hallmarks stores are on that list too. In a quiet place - make your list and keep it somewhere - you're going to need it.

In 2 Corinthians 1 - Pauls tells us that the Lord will comfort us - so that we can comfort others. "Ladies and Gentleman, if the oxygen masks deploy please secure yours before helping others around you". It's contrary to our noble, martyred efforts - but it's the only way out of this pit we call life without ourselves.

Ladies, if you're still reading I believe God would really like to minister to you so that you are a ready vessel for Him to minister to your kids through. But you've got to be honest and vulnerable and patient with yourself as you learn how to receive.

Don't give up - don't give in...there's life in this life I promise.

just yesterday.....

2007-10-05T20:07:00.000-04:00

So just yesterday she was.....
and then life comes really fast.

In the last 8 days Abby's had major dental work with her gum lasered. The next day it was an injury on the hurdles that got us a quick trip (well, if you call 4 hours quick) to the ER then the podiatrist the next day who immediately put her back in her very fashionable cast(oh my) the day after she'd made the track team. Then there was the quick run to the orthodontist to fix one brace - which ended up being 4 braces. Then there are the hormones and boyfriends and the kids getting suspended for kissing at school and the first encounter with a gay teacher talking about his boyfriend....and then the first track meet that the doc finally cleared her to run in- and the coach scheduled her for and then at the last minute because of a scoring error she was pulled out of her only event....

I remember really fretting about protecting her from the previews at rated "G" movies and it being such a big deal...and now I realize that was peanuts compared to this. I know we've got more road ahead of us - but, at this point I find it quite futile to try and protect their hearts - you can only prepare and pray.

There are so many things she deals with in life that are just foreign to me and my experiences - but I serve a God who is the same yesterday, today and forever - and so I prepare her the best I can and then I prayerfully lay her at the feet of God; again and again and again.

Is it enough?
i think that's the cross a mother carries - never knowing if her efforts are ever enough- but that too can be transformed to faith as you realize that "enough" isn't really one of those "God words" - it's more a "Ladies Home Journal" concept. In my weakness - my mustard seed of "enough"- is transformed into more than enough - even for Abby.

Great news though - she's doing great.
I'm pretty passionate about parenting - and creating in kids a moral warehouse that is accessible and fully equipped to help them navigate as much of life as possible while they're under the safe fortress of home. And this week I've been given a glimpse into the tools Abby has in play to handle conflict, disappointment, sin and compromise. Glory to God - it's looking good.

But still - she's 13 and in just 10 years she could be a college graduate with a car, apartment, job and a husband. 10 YEARS!!! that's a blink - it's all so fast.

...you know days like today I really mourn not getting to have more time with Abby when she was just a wee girl - the days of innocence come and go like the wind and then they're gone. I wish I could have held her as an infant and known I could at least protect her for that moment from all the bad and hard and sad things in life. Just a moment to take the pressure off her little heart.

But this week I've seen a young lady whom I respect, and really like. Lord, please keep speaking to her, and raising her in spite of us. You're doing great work!

I found a great baby picture of Abby -but I can't get it to post. You guys would love it.
I'll try again tomorrow.

Sleep with Jesus Abby - I love your guts little one! You have represented your family and your God incredibly well this week.

hmmm.....

2007-10-02T19:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Michael was looking thru some family photos he has when he found a picture of his little cousin Jackson in a wagon dressed up like a policeman.

He turned to Matti and said -
"Hey Matti, look -
a policeman sucking his thumb....
now that's something you don't see everyday".

Anniversary Issue

2007-09-21T13:50:00.000-04:00

21 years ago my parents moved our family to Lynchburg Virginia. It was my sr. year in High School and I can tell you I was not happy about it. Soon after moving, my mom and I visited a church in the area where the Pastor had visitors stand up to introduce themselves. My mom and I stood up, introduced ourselves and then the Pastor (trying like so many pastors do to be funny) asked if I was single. Ha, Ha, Ha.

The lady behind me said "Jeff Ward, there's you a brunette" - I had no idea what she was talking about, but everyone else did and laughed.

One year later, our little youth group from that church got together for a Sr. Banquet at the Bonanza on 29south. There were only 3 seniors in our group - me, Becky and Jeff Ward. For whatever reason Jeff decided not to bring his girlfriend to this event, and my loving beau from the past year had dumped me the week before prom - so we were unencumbered.

I had been asked to sing "Friends are Friends Forever" and then the events of the evening unfolded into a great time with our friends. At least that's what the pictures say. Jeff and I locked eyes sometime that evening and never let go.

Several weeks later while spending some time with the Lord I felt very strongly that He was knitting Jeff and me together, Jeff later confirmed he was getting the same message. His words to us were that He was going to bind us together thru lots of battles and many years and over many miles. I had no idea how those words would come to life and what they would change and create...but wow, what a ride it's been.

16 years ago today we ended our 4 1/2 years of dating and got married.

It was a fun wedding - in the midst of yet another crisis my family opened the doors to our home while people from all over the country drove in, grabbed their sweet tea and either dug in to help, or crashed in front of the football games on the television (you know who you are all of you Academy guys!) while they polished their shoes. I have to say my favorite part of the wedding was the fun at the house before our 5pm ceremony. We've always had GREAT friends.

So the many years have translated into many battles - we've made it through infertility, surgeries beyond numbers, illnesses that linger, too many moves to count, lots of bad haircuts, our 3 kids coming to us in 5 years, career disappointments, and career achievements, Texas and Mississippi, lots of churches and friends, and houses, and decorating ideas, and fights, and more tears than I would have ever imagined could be cried, miscarriages and births - miracles ad disasters.

I am so thankful to have lived so much of my life with you by my side Jeff.

I loved walking around Lake Dillon with you - hurting together over our miscarriage - there has always been healing in holding your hands.

I loved driving around the curve in Austria and seeing St. Wolfgang for the first time - you have always brought more to my life than I knew to look for.
I loved getting on an airplane with you for Puerta Vallarta - and it all being a surprise - you have always loved with such authenticity.
I love all the trips we made to eat wings and watch it snow and sit by the fire at Pub n Grub - I love the "good ole boy" hiding beneath the uniform.
I loved season tickets to the Air Force games - even the ones where it rained, or snowed or we just got beat.
I loved seeing you with each of our children the first time - you are truly the best dad I've ever seen.
I love the way you STILL watch "Extreme Home Makeover" and cry - thank God and thank you for that heart of yours that is still tender - thank you for protecting and preserving that for us your family.
I loved going to Hawaii and watching the sunset - and fighting for our marriage - thank you for always fighting too.
I loved going to Canada and sitting and listening to the rocks on the shore for hours - thank you for letting my have my own neuroses.
I love watching you listen to great music - thank you for David Grusin.
I loved the 65 mustang convertible - and picking our Christmas tree up with the top down - you do have nice taste.
I loved Germany - and walking in the snow to the corner bakery to get breakfast and watching you smile the whole time just because you were getting to share these great experiences with us.
I love the way you make the kids giggle.
I loved standing in the hangar at RAFB waiting on you to come home, over and over again. Always so proud to love a man who still and always has served with integrity.
I loved driving thru the gate at the Academy when they saluted you the first time (wink).
I love worshipping with you - and the way you always stand for "How Great Thou Art" whether anyone else is or not.
I love your blue shirts and khaki pants and how you have remained untouched by the fashion trends of the last 20 years (ok - not so much). But you are a good looking drink of water.
I love playing rummy with you - and winning - and letting you win.
I love that we can name Mexican Restaurants in just about every state we've ever driven thru.
I loved kissing you at the top of the Arch in St. Louis, at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle and the Ferris Wheel in Chicago.
I loved going to the flea market with you and Granpa Frank and watching you love them in just the way they needed it.

I've just realized I could write for another 16 years my love - for you bring such life to my living and wow do I love you. Thank you darling. Thank you God...

Happy Anniversary Mr. Ward - from the Mrs.

Free at Last

2007-09-17T11:22:00.000-04:00

Poor Matti....

He acts like he's been held captive in a wretched prison for 3 long, hard years and now is at last free.

I worry that his changing Sunday school classes is going to be hard - he runs in with a smile and never looks back.

I wonder if school is going to be tough - he's the little guy that still hides behind my leg when a new person says hello. Instead - he jumps into class like a bunny rabbit, tosses me an uninterested wave behind him and leaves me in the dust.

I'm concerned he won't want to carpool - you know he is my baby - this could be strange for him. He climbs into the car with our friends, pumps both fists in the air, shouts "woo hoo" and off he goes.

I'm concerned that AWANA's is too much for my little guy - maybe he's too overwhelmed. Instead we pick him up to hear from the teacher that he not only smiled the whole entire class, but he did his memory verse, his motto and earned his next book.

Yes, ladies and gentleman - I am keenly in tune with my children -a real pro!

Hey Daddy! We started school

2007-09-11T18:39:00.001-04:00

Well, it's finally come. They're all 3 in school.

The boys started Monday and what a great morning it was. The excitement of it all kept them awake way past bedtime Sunday night - it was fun to be a part of.

Matti's going 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. Michael's in 5 day kindergarten from 9-1. So if you're looking for me, I'll be in the van!

Nothing too wild to report from the first day - Michael says the girls really chased him on the playground but "I'm used to that from last year - I had just forgotten". Matti was all smiles and keeps talking about the playground.

Wish you could have seen it Jeff! (We miss you!)

So - beyond the fact that this school is an incredible blessing in our lives (Abeka curriculum/Ezzo structure) - we're off to the races and having fun.

Abby's an 8th grader!

2007-09-07T07:51:00.000-04:00

Are you kidding me?

Orthotics for Abby...

2007-08-29T18:38:00.000-04:00

A.K.A - field trip for the heart.

The kids and I had to go to Walter Reed Hospital in DC today to get Abby's new orthotics. We spent 3 hours in the prosthetics clinic watching men whose lives and bodies have been obliterated by tragedy in far away places.

The doors to the clinic would swing open wide and these men would roll themselves in the clinic in their wheelchairs and throw their old prosthetic on the counter, laugh and joke with the staff and then minutes later you would see them test driving the new limb while running up the hallway.

Several of them had wives push them in - women with a strength of spirit and heart that seemed too great for words - put pain that was still so close to the surface that they couldn't make eye contact with you.

I could have gotten a babysitter for the two little guys - it was an all day affair. But frankly, I wanted them there. I shared with Michael before we went in what we would see, how he should behave when he saw it and then assured him I'd answer all of his questions when we got back in the van. He was a trooper - amazed while not really understanding how amazing it all was.

Truthfully, I want my kids to see the ugliness of reality - actually I guess I want them to see that NOTHING is FREE. I want them to know of great men and heroes, and people who pay the price and march on.

That's true of their knowledge of Jesus too. I want them to not only know Him as the Savior who rescued them - but also the Savior who was broken and bled and nearly crushed- I want them to know the tomb, only after they've sat at the feet of the cross where the blood trickles down over them. The truth is we need a Savior who bled for us and we need soldiers who will do the same for our freedom in this country and around the world. The sad thing is - very often we want the victory without the battle to the extent that we'll ignore the battle altogther and those who fought.

Wasn't it David who said - "I will not give Him that which costs me nothing".
Today was a reminder of people who say that sort of thing and then have to live with it.

The crazy thing is - the Prsthetics and Orthotics clinic is the rowdiest clinic at that hospital I think - those guys laugh and joke, and talk and share a camaraderie - some unspoken connection that is sacred and precious and solid. It was awkward to be in the room at some points - not because of their injuries - but because of their laughter. I felt small, and shallow and trite.

As we left today, another gentleman was being rolled out to the elevator in front of us - his injuries looked new, his face still carried grimaces of terror and shock - one leg was gone, the other in a cast with tubes hanging out where the foot should have been, one arm in a cast and a tube running out of his shirt at his neck - I never saw him blink. I hope we see running down the halls the next time we're there, or maybe just sitting in the room next to us deciding whether he wants the shiny silver leg, or the flesh colored one made for running. Pray for him - it's a long way from where he was today, to that moment - but at the very least we owe him and others like him a prayer.

Kids on Vacation

2007-08-26T19:35:00.000-04:00

Fun in

Alabama

AAARGHHHH Alabama!!!

2007-08-23T16:13:00.000-04:00

What a week to go to Alabama. 10 days of over 100 degree temperatures! Thank heavens for the pool, the bowling alley, the skating rink, McDonalds with an indoor playground and air conditioning. Please pray for the farmers down there - they could lose it all over this weather. It's incredibly sad.

And now, I'd like to preach for a minute - feel free to move on to your favorite game site if you'd prefer not to hear my rantings.
I desperately want to see my brothers life touched by Jesus. For several years now I've pursued intentionally loving him in the ways it appears he enjoys being loved - wanting to build a relationship with him and wanting to share the love of Jesus with him.
So.... I was just in Alabama for 10 days and got to spend some one on one time with him. We had fun - he's hysterical and a blast to be with. You can talk about anything with him and he's got that great southern humor that makes you cry you laugh so hard.
Several times he turned the conversation to God and church and Christianity and I would sit on my hands, bite my tongue and listen. Over and over the same issue came up with him - probably not unlike many others who just don't think it's worth the effort to dig in to Christianity - Christians have really proven to be the biggest jerks in his life.
In his business - head deacons have been the ones that robbed him, elders are the ones who try to beat him out of a nickle over every bid, and the loudest Christians have been the worst business partners.
Now there were quite a few old buicks riding around down there with those good ole bumper stickers "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven". But I gotta tell you - I just couldn't say that to him - what a cop out.
As a believers - we've all - including me - got to start living our lives a cut above. Relevancy, and being culturally aware is brilliant - except when it gets all the attention and holiness is totally ignored.
The truth is - you and every other friend I have could join me in praying for my brother - we could serve, love and reach out till we're blue in the face - but if on the other hand we're living a sloppy life, with a sloppy mouth and using Christianity as an excuse - then we've just offered him a great kitchen pass out of the whole thing.
So the question is - are you working against the prayers of others because you won't deal with your stuff? What about your business dealings, what about your character and integrity, what about your speech, and your level of forgiveness and your relationship skills - is their holiness that draws others or carelessness that repels them.
Don't know about you - but I've got work to do. What makes you different?

catching up....

2007-08-12T07:42:00.000-04:00

Well it happened to me too. My blog got stale, we've been busy - but of course everyone is. My camera is also acting up and needs immediate attention; so it goes.

I just spent 3 days at the Willow Creek Leadership summit - my first. It was quite good. I've got lots of reading and digesting to do. One of my favorite speakers was Marcus Buckingham - "Go, Put Your Strengths to Work" - loved his concepts and look forward to implementing them in my mommy world. Not to mention he was a Brit and I LOVED his humor.

There was also a pervasive theme to the conference on obliterating global poverty and how the local church really is the hope of the world. In all of that, I was deeply convicted that my christianity is incredibly small - something I feel is probably a great offense to my God.

It was a good weekend - yet another confirmation to me that God works in 3D. If we're willing to listen and engage He really is the great multi-tasker and can speak to our hearts, minds, spirits in a multitude of ways in rapid fire and precision. I'm looking forward to an afternoon with my notes and my journal

The kids and I are off to Alabama for a week or so for vacation time with Grandma and Grandpa and 3 digit heat. Jeff's on his way to Florida for more work on India and their upcoming purchase. So the Wards will be out of pocket for awhile.

2007-08-01T07:58:00.001-04:00

Practice your piano!

I had a flashback last night - one that I can actually share. I was sitting at my piano in Hendersonville, Tennessee as a 5th grader and I heard mom saying - yet again - "practice your piano!".

Then I saw myself in High School in Waynesboro Virginia playing for Concert Choir, or at the church or for dad after dinner and for a moment I enjoyed the memories.

But last night was the best gig I've ever had. I sat down at the piano after a long day of mommy duty while dad's out of town and just wanted to get lost for a bit. Somewhere in the middle of my playing, I realized Abby and Michael were in the room dancing together...quietly.

I'm glad I practiced.

We're live....

2007-07-30T17:14:00.000-04:00

I think we'll go "live" with this blog - I've pushed all the buttons I can find and it still seems to look readable.

The big events for us last week were Abby finishing her first swim season - and doing really well. You can check out her stats at http://www.dvsharks.com/. It was a fun 2 months for all of us.

Jeff's in India this week dodging elephants and cranky customers (see pictures above of 1- a cow in the road because...., and 2 - the Taj Mahal) He's just e-mailed that the heat index is 118 and it's been overcast, so there's no way to know what it's like with the sun out.

Michael's in VBS with some buddies - and was pleased to tell me that God didn't really speak to them at church today, it was just a funny guy with a microphone hiding behind the curtain.

Matti's busy at home with mom. He's in that "I'm 3 and I'm a sponge stage" so we've been reading lots of Bible Stories. We read Jonah last nite and he deliberated over the whole thing for a while really trying to understand why Jonah was thrown overboard. I kept telling him it was because Jonah made a bad choice and "bad choices always hurt". That didn't seem to satisfy him so I then explained that Jonah's bad choice was saying "no" to God. "Matti we don't ever say 'no' to God - that's a very bad choice". He thought a minute and with his adorable grin looked up and said "But mommy can we say 'no ma'am' to God"?

Friday we had to drive to the airport and Matti got to see his first rainbow. It was beautiful and a thrill to watch him experience the whole thing. On our way home though the rainbow was gone and he was desperate to know where it went. Finally he calmed down and said "mommy, I know where the rainbow went - it went back in my Bible".

You can check out Cindy's latest speaking gig at http://www.destinychurch.net/ if you'd like. We're doing a series on the "beattitudes" and I was fortunate enough to get an assignment in the series. I really love that whole experience - maybe all this practice talking is paying off :)

Here we are....

2007-07-25T21:02:00.000-04:00

What a great summer we're having.

Jeff & I went to Hawaii in May

Then the kids & I went to Myrtle Beach with friends in June,

Then all 5 of us got to go "home" to Charleston in July - we'll post pictures here.

Next month - we've lost our minds and have planned a trip to Alabama (in August!!!)

Keep checking = we're always up to something!