dear rebecca....

please, could you just please post a comment?????

I know you're out there - I hear stories!

invisible gifts.....

i laid down to sleep last nite and an inventory of prayer needs flooded my mind.
no sooner than i thought about some of these needs though my spirit switched gears and i suddenly started thinking about people who had prayed for me.

i started seeing faces of people who prayed with me during my 10 years of infertility. people who prayed years ago that God would bless Jeff's career and give him favor. people who prayed for me when i stepped out in faith and __________ did any number of things i didn't think i could do or people who prayed us thru the addition of abby, or people who prayed me thru countless surgeries.....

it didn't take long to become completely overwhelmed - especially when i realized that so many of those people never got to see the results - the ones who prayed for me thru infertility treatment in Georgia - have yet to meet my kids (all 3 of them), the ones who prayed for jeff to finish flight school 15 years ago when all bets were off have no idea that he's proficient in several airplanes and has an amazing career still in action. the ones who prayed thru abby - have no idea what a gorgeous, strong, stable (as stable as teenagers can be) young woman she is. those that prayed me thru surgeries don't get to share with me the days that turn into months that turn into years with no pain.

but did they ever invest.

i may be in one of my more analytical states - but how do you ever reconcile that? what kind of love is that? what a gift!

how not-alone i am and how not-alone I have always been.

Hebrews has in it one of my favorite thoughts "we have around us many people whose lives tell us what faith means. so let us run the race that is before us and never give up". (Heb 12:1 NCV)

everytime you pray for someone - whether in paragraphs or short cries - you are taking your faith and investing it in the lives of other saints.

so pray for me and I'll pray for you - and we'll let that crowd of witnesses in the heavenlies cheer us on - and we'll keep praying and praying and praying and thanking God for all those praying for us.

bottom line - if you've prayed for me - thanks. you just wouldn't believe what a great job God did with your prayers.

and yes, I'll pray for you - just ask.

On Target....

So, if you were in Target yesterday between 3-3:30 you got to enjoy a monumental teaching moment for our precious Matti. For that I apologize and I thank you.

I've been thinking about the whole scene and I've decided it was good. The truth is I spent maybe 45-60 minutes in a really uncomfortable place - Matti screaming, me sweating, strangers staring, driving home with him throwing a fit in the back seat - it wasn't fun.

But I'm convinced if I hadn't invested that 60 minutes into teaching him about first time obedience - I could very possibly be spending the next 6-12 months dealing with his rebellion. In light of that it was a good investment.

It's the big picture that saves my bacon and my sanity everytime. I get it wrong so often; but yesterday the opportunity arose to give Matti some keys to living life; keys like:
1) mom doesn't lie
2) mom doesn't negotiate
3) I'm safe - because she's still in charge
4) bad choices always hurt
5) I'm expected to obey right away
6) throwing a fit isn't in my best interest...ever.

Seems to me, looking at that list that some really useful life skills were learned. God's grace was all over the situation - I never got emotional!!! It was all about a choice - and I could clearly see that Matti's sneaky little offense was a glaring example of a heart that wasn't in submission.
That was a big deal to me - not because I want to be supermom, or have the best kids in the checkout line at Target - but because God says that "obedience is better than sacrifice"; and then He says it over and over again thru His word.

We live by faith - but we're blessed by obedience. I want my kids to live a life of favor and God's richest blessings - so I invest a little blood, sweat and tears in the Target line so that one day Matti will not only submit his heart to the leadership of Jesus Christ - but that He'll crave that authority in his life and enjoy the great riches offered by the King of Kings.

Interesting end note - Matti's spirit is at rest. He's the most tender, joyful little guy as all the kids have always been after moments of discipline. It's an amazing process to be a part of - confession and forgiveness are incredible gifts beyond words. It is incredibly humble to be a part of the processes that construct a heart.

Conviction sharing....

i heard a quote recently that I really liked:
"we live by faith, but we're blessed by obedience".
that's good, isn't it? this whole obedience thing is huge - truly just obeying will keep you really busy.

so....i've been thinking about that and then walked into a sermon on Sunday that was quite stirring.
check out the podcast when you get a chance. (http://www.destinychurch.info/) the message is called "New Direction. But here's a quick run-down.

"When you give your commitment and devotion to God, He astounds you with His provision and His blessing."
...however...
Malachi 1 & 2 points out 3 things God doesn't bless -

1. God doesn't bless our left-overs. Malachi 1:6-14
2. God doesn't bless lousy leaders. Malachi 2:1-9
3. God doesn't bless broken vows. Malachi 2:10-16

hmmm....check out the podcast

Friends and family....

isn't it cool when the line begins to blur between friends and family?

i haven't experienced that much - 20 something moves in my short life (comment at your own risk) has made me the recipient of many phenomenal acquaintances. But friends take time to simmer, and stew and saturate themselves into your life. i've not lived anywhere in my life over about 5 years - so saturating isn't something i've done much of.

all of that to make you feel sorry for me.

no, no. all of that to say that i truly am blessed to have some great friends. friends who'll drive 9 hours with 3 kids to spend the weekend in the snow with us. friends who'll choose to vacation at our house. friends who just keep choosing us. being the new kid in town so many times has made me keenly aware that sometimes the most friendly thing someone does is just "choose" me.

the wards have just spent a perfect weekend in the snow with some great family. it's a gift from God to have people who love you, your husband and your kids - it's especially a miracle when they don't drink cold tea and you don't drink hot tea - but you can still fellowship. there is a God in heaven!

for those of you who continue to choose to remember us long after we're gone - thanks. for those of you who've made the crazy trip to VA - you have no idea what it means to me - a girl with no home town, no roots and big photo albums - to be chosen.

So here's a few pix of some incredibly happy kids playing in some providential snow!!!
Thanks Daddy-man and Auntie......
We love you guys!
Love Auntie StingRay!

static displays

back in Jeff's flying days he was on occasion asked to go and "do" air shows. what that meant for his particular plane was that they wanted him to fly his plane to the air show location and park it - for days. he was then to stand next to it looking "pilot-y" and official and sign autographs and answer questions - making sure no one touched anything or decided to turn the jet on.

i've been thinking about that in regards to parenting lately. mostly because that's what i want to do.

at least for one of my kids i feel like i've got a handle on things so i want to put him on static display and stand beside him sharing my wealth of confidence and wisdom with all the poor saps who pass by.

truthfully, i think that sounds pretty good.

the problem is that raising kids is mostly like nailing jello to the wall - things are slipping and sliding all the time. they change and grow, we change and grow and no one gets to sign autographs.

every honest mom i know ahead of me on the journey says that about the time they got things figured out with the stage their kids were in - the stage changed.

so maybe, just maybe - 1) they're going to grow out of some of this and 2) if we fill our "toolbox" with timeless tools - the kind that go from toddler to teen - we just might eliminate some of the "shock and awe" moments to come.

that's why my tools have to work for all 3 or they're really useless. "listen and obey" is true for Matti the Great at 3 and mommy the stubborn at 3_. "bad choices always hurt" is true for running in the street, and running a red light. "speak with love and respect" is good at preschool and the Pentagon. you see what i mean - i think there's something revolutionary about the fact that God told us to come to Him as little children - we have to come in obedience, learning to love and serve and die to our own desires - just like the little people in our lives have to. the truths - the tools are timeless - i pray that my parenting has made me a better daughter to the "king" - you see I'm not His static display either.

so just a note to make sure your tools are sized for life - because they're aren't' any air shows or static displays or autograph sessions - there's just the constant of change.

Luke 1:37 - nothing is impossible with God!!!

new year...new prayers....

i am drawn of recent to the basics of my faith - really the basics of my relationship with God. the simple disciplines that i have in my life; that build my paradigm.

as is so often the case i am frustrated with me. i tend to be so hard on me - i know - i've read that it's pride, or control or fear or over-analytical...who cares. its still the truth.
i long for the raw, young, exhilarating "trust and obey" of old. i've been in a funk lately - feeling like i'm going thru the motions and knowing that God is unimpressed. i have become a statue of rituals; a memorial to the mantras of an American Christian life - frankly i'm unimpressed.

i saw this Tozer quote on another blog tonite "always life stands beyond death and beckons the man who is sick of himself to come and know the life more abundant". i am sick of me and of this particular ride - the commute is the same; the destination is actually virtuous - but it's not alive and breathing and infectious.
i'm going to need "alive and breathing and infectious" to make it - i'm really going to need it to draw my kids to this Jesus I want them to love. i've grown so busy in leading others i've failed to notice that i'm going in a circle. no wonder i'm dizzy.

i've used the illustration of jeff and flight training before because it works - he says if you're flying a plane and it starts into a flat spin (a terrible danger) then you run the checklist - walk thru the fundamentals. i could use the checklist - not more do's and don'ts - but a real focus on the things that ignite my heart toward God.

oh how i enjoyed the way i thought that worked in the past - more church, more service, more rituals - that was a pretty simple checklist. it normally ended with me "standing" before God in my sunday best surrounded by my silliness wondering where the cheering squad from heaven was.

it's harder now - but it's effective. the things that truly ignite my passion and love and heart for Jesus are gritty; things like
fasting not for an hour so i'll feel good about myself - but long enough until i can't "feel" all my hungers, worshipping until the tears erupt from my toes,
reading His word until He speaks...and i hear,
walking a quiet and intentional route until my mind is clear and my heart is open,
repenting until the weight is lifted
restoring that which is broken until the glue dries
obeying - going back to the last thing i know He asked me to do and obeying - all the way, right away, the happy way...without dispute, without distration, without delay..and then doing that over and over and over again.

it's time for those hard things again...i'm an idiot for letting them fall by the wayside for things like teaching Sunday School, or sending cards every week. isn't that harsh and ugly and unacceptable to say that?
the truth is - i've done those things faithfully for the last few months and enjoyed every minute of it knowing that the tank in my life was well past "E" and i was running on fumes...so i ask you - who'd i really help, or bless or serve...did God use it - probably; but He also used an ass. it was never about me - it was about His need to reach the other person - if it hadn't been me, He'd have made it happen somehow.

what is about me is this stagnate, stale, unfragrant thing i've got going with Him now...and that's an infection i need healed.
that's my prayer tonite - God please forgive me for leaving you for service and self - please pursue me and strengthen me to find you in the deeper places. i long for the deeper places where i feel Your breath on my cheek and know that You are mine and I am yours.

wow - what january does to me.