The Results Business.....

Well, here we go. We've added the word "cancer" to our family venacular. Doesn't really change a whole lot - yet everything seems different.

Is that reality or fear of the unknown? I don't know yet.

Humankind cannot stand very much reality. - T. S. Eliot says. That I believe is true.
Without Jesus, I don't know how we stand any at all.

But here we are. And yet again I'm so thankful for the foundation that God painfully wrought in me long before this tsunami hit.

I don't know when this realization hit me - but I THANK GOD it did. By the grace of God I've determined that I am not in the results business - that's God's department. My job is to plant seeds, be a good steward, fight the good fight, pray, obey and walk one step in front of the other...and let God do what only God can.

I personally believe that women especially live in fear and control because they're focused on the results - crafting an outcome that works for them, or looks good, or makes them look better. But that's about pride and fear and the flesh and ... dead ends.

I used to get so caught up in praying for a result - and then owning the result. I don't do that much anymore. I'm praying for mom's healing and knowing that heaven is coming eventually - sooner or later healing is too. But how/when/where/ why God does what He does with mom is His business. I'm asking Him to help me be a good steward of my relationship with mom, to give me opportunities to love and serve her, to help me pray more effectively even...but beyond that God is in Control.

I think focusing on our desired results can cause us to be conditional believers - "if God....then I'll..." and so it goes and we sit and spin and tell everyone we're standing in faith. Hmmmm.....

My faith is not in me getting what I want - a miraculous healing for mom's newly diagnosed cancer right this minute. I've tried to manipulate God before ... it's really pointless.

My faith is in the God who created the universe doing exactly what's best for my mom; and only allowing in mom's life that which He deems worthy of His plans for her life. I have faith in God to get me thru this strange new process of fear, and fighting and faith and the ugly truth of our own mortality and getting older and watching your parents get older and all of this yuk on this broken, decrepit planet.

I will fix my eyes on things above - pray like my hair is on fire and by the power of God alone walk thru this as a believer - learning to believe a little more every day.

I have a favorite bible verse in Psalms or Proverbs somewhere that talks about being as content and peaceful as a weaned baby against its mothers breast. Having LOVED nursing my boys for a year each – that verse really speaks to me.

I remember once they were each weaned how amazing it was to me that they could be held in the same position as they used to nurse voraciously and now sleep peacefully. The transition was so seamless and effortless – perhaps I thought they had learned to trust me too – who knows.

But I find myself in that space today – I have seen the hand of God walk me/us through amazing and difficult things and I’m not concerned He won’t do the same in this situation as well. He has quieted me in His arms and I’m at peace.

I know He’s already there – where ever “there” is and that’s enough for me.

Here's the deal - I've come back to writing - to stir myself up - to remind myself, to say "out loud" what my head needs to submit to...this is the bunker from which I'll fight for mom - for the salvation of my family, for peace for my dad and for strength for me.....

Thanks for praying...