Holy Tension

I think the hardest thing about being a mom is the fear.

Sitting at the neurologists office or the preschool teachers office - there's fear to battle. A call from the principal or the orthodontist - there's fear to battle. A spend the night party there, a birthday party here - a new boyfriend, a new bike, final exams or final warnings - fear stalks mothers. It's fear of the known and fear of the unknown....it's just ugly fear.

It's so difficult and somewhat unfair in my opinion that God lets us partner with Him in creating life yet we are not able to control it. We can carry these children in our wombs for 9 months, birth them, nurse them and care for them or pursue the dream of motherhood through the trials of adopting a child with the best of intentions. But eventually we realize we've unknowingly given birth to a monster within ourselves - the NEED to control because the fear attached with this love is so great.

We are desperate to protect our kids from pain, from harsh words, or unfair kids, or mistakes that cost, or a bad reputation, or....the list is endless. Our vantage point from a generation ahead gives us the perfect view of all the possible pitfalls - and our kids have to avoid them.

We create a Godly, peaceful home, we create an education plan, we create a moral standard for our kids, we create healthy meals and a soft cuddly bed - and yet we cannot control.

I call this "holy tension".

I'm experiencing it in another area of my life right now also. My mom does indeed have cancer - I'm still processing all of that and she's still waiting on a treatment plan. It's become the source of alot of thinking and pondering.

As a believer in Christ I find myself in the middle of a 3 man duel. There's faith, fear and the facts all jockeying for position in my heart, mind and soul.

If I wanted to I know I could collect a massive volume of books and find a church to support a great "faith" position for this new season. I could dig out all the verses on Jesus healing and performing miracles and stand in faith believing (commanding) God to heal her. I could stand on my plan for mom's life with my hands held high. And that's the way it would be .... at least in my heart.

Or I could run to google and collect enough "facts" to bury myself. I could add the science and research to a good plan and find rest for my weary mind. Just add all the answers to all the questions amd put them together with a lofty opinion on the matter. And that's the way it would be....at least in my mind.

Without much effort at all I could let myself fall off into fear. I could probably find a "Lifetime" movie where a mom dies of cancer right after she's diagnosed and cry and wallow and fret until I die. Fear is ever present, cancer's pretty easy to find - so this one would be an easy place to settle. And that's the way it would be ... at least in my soul.

What I'm really fighting though is the need to box this thing up and control it. To box everything up in my life and call it "known". This is the kind of box I want for my kids. If I cling to the whole "faith" thing - I at least have a box to stand on. If I go with fear or the facts - again I've got something to do. I'm not floating out here aimlessly in the unknown. The unknown is what I really want to avoid after all.

But I believe that the real destination for every area of my life is this oasis of "holy tension".

This place is full of "I don't know" and "could be" and "maybe not" or "just wait". This place is where it all intersects and swims around you. This is where the only place you have to look is up. This place requires real childlike faith and is full of weaknesses that need to be strengthened. This is the place where it's all integrated and your heart, mind and soul are challenged to submit to the steadiness of the unknown balanced with intentional belief in God.

This boat of mine called "Holy Tension" floats in the sea of God's sovereignty and requires that I go where He leads. A slow and steady process where sometimes He does and sometimes He doesnt, sometimes He takes and sometimes He gives, sometimes He moves and other times He's still - but always He is.

That's the sweet spot - "He Is". That's where it all happens. When we let our entire being partake of that there is peace. He is....He is there, He is here, He is enough, He is my children's ultimate parent, He knows more, sees more, loves more, plans better ....

This mothers day I pray that all of my mom friends could breathe in the salt air of the "Sea of God's Sovereignty", take their place in their own boat called "Holy Tension" and rest.